The price of happiness

I have spent a great deal of time in the last couple of weeks thinking about happiness. What it feels like, what people will do to try and achieve it, etc. It seems to me that all any person wants for another person is to be happy. I know that I have said many of my friends in situations that I didn’t necessarily agree with “As long as your happy, that’s all that matters” I have heard several people tell me the same thing. When you have conversations with people you haven’t seen in a long time, more often than not, they want to know if you are happy.

A couple of weeks ago while doing a particularly hard work out at home I started to think about the price of happiness. This really steamed from a very quiet place in my mind, a place that I sometimes find myself in the middle of working out, its when there are no negative or positive self talk or inner demons, when I have little to no stress and when I surrender myself to the wod… its when I am in this place that I find profound piece of mind and often a thought that lingers and stems into deep thought, meditation and some quiet time with God… its from that place that the thought of paying a price for happiness came from.

So I really got to thinking, what is my price for the happiness that I have in my life? What does it feel like? Is it contagious? Are the decisions that I am making every day in the best interest of my long term happiness, or does it just make me happy in that moment? Am I selfish? Do I think about my family and friends? My health? My future? Have I really surrounded myself with people that are truly happy themselves? People that are selfless, inspiring and encourage me to not only be happy in a moment but for a life time?

I will share with you the conclusions that I have come to as it pertains to my personal price of happiness. What does your happiness feel like? Mine is very distinct and almost always the same… I feel like there are butterflies trapped in a swelling balloon stuck somewhere between my heart and my belly… I feel like I can float away… usually my cheeks hurt because I’m smiling… if I were to look at it, it would be a very bright yellow, almost a shiny gold/silver… it really is the most amazing joyful feeling that I think any one person can have. I know that when I go to bed at night it’s the happiest that I have ever been and that feeling is still there when I wake up in the morning. I have, even if it is temporary or long term, achieved happiness in my life.

Is my happiness contagious? I believe that it is, and it is because I know that a great deal of my happiness comes from the love and support of my wonderful boyfriend. I know that his happiness directly affects mine and vise versa. When I walk up to the gym I get happy, when I walk in and there are happy people greeting me, then I get a little happier from them. I get happy when I am with certain people because they are always happy and its very hard to be negative around someone that is enjoying themselves! I think that happiness is absolutely contagious… to me at least. Maybe its just my personality, that I let others directly affect me… their happiness is mine. I believe that’s the way its suppose to be though, that everyone is suppose to be happy and if they aren’t then they can go into the world and “catch” it from someone else. That also goes for being angry but that is an entirely different discussion!

Have I considered my future and been selfish? This last year has been very profound for me, there are moments where I cry uncontrollably because I am overcome with sadness, I can easily say that this has been the happiest time in my life because of the love that I have found but it is also the saddest time because of everything that I have chosen to give up. I have been selfish and I have considered my future, and for that the price was very high. I chose to dive head first into a new relationship giving it my all because I've found myself happy. I will say that again... I CHOSE to dive head first into a new relationship because I was HAPPY. Its that simple. And because I made that decision, I have lost friends. One in particular that I had for almost 10 years. I miss her a lot, especially now around the holidays, but I saw the signs of loosing it and DECIDED that the possibility of some happy in my life would be worth it and also in the back of my mind I NEVER dreamed that I would loose her, but I did. Linked to loosing her, I also ended up loosing my cats. Now anyone that knows me will tell you that those 3 cats were my babies, I loved them so very much! I now have no pets and it hurts more than I can put into words, the only comfort that I take from the situation is that 1 of them is with the person that bottle fed her as a kitten and is so spoiled and the other 2 went to an amazing home with a wonderful woman that loves them very much, we exchange emails some times and she tells me that she is happy with them and that they seem happy... they're all in a happy, loving home... my sadness is worth their happiness. I know that I am being selfish for myself and my happiness and I have lost these things that I thought I could never, ever live without and its because I was thinking of my future. I know it may not seem like it, but I know that choosing to stay with happiness that I have found will blossom into something awesome in the future... and if it does not... then it was a very very high price.

Health... my favorite thing to eat is icecream... not so healthy for you. I also love sweets... again, not healthy. As these things temporarily make me happy in a moment, I have chosen to not eat these items DAILY as I was two years ago, but have them maybe once a month now. I have chosen to do this because I now know what all that shit does in your body, how it digests and how my body reacts. To me, having a new PR or being able to feel myself move faster makes me happy for longer than just a brief moment of eating a bowl of ice cream or candy. If you would have told me I wasn't going to eat ice cream daily a couple of years ago I would have told you that you had lost your mind! (Ask Alec) But now I rarely crave it because I love the feeling I get when working out more than the feeling I have after eating sweets.
Have I surrounded myself with people that are happy? If you are apart of any crossfit community then you know that the answer is undoubtedly yes. Although I am not in the gym regularly again, I still go to the mainsite page, CFCM page, drive time with Alec, read facebook and blog posts regularly. The few friends that I have that don't crossfit are all now positive, motivating, amazing people that are always happy and smiling... its awesome and contagious!

As far as my future goes... besides the obvious, I had made decisions to not peruse the same field that I was working in because I found myself not happy away from my old job and in a new environment doing the same things as before. I made a decision to try and go back to school and look for a job in a different field with flexible decisions... although I have discovered a lot about myself being home for about 6 months and I had many happy days, ultimately this decision has cost me the luxury of consistent income which in turn directly affected my healthy food choices and my ability to regularly crossfit and progress with my community as well as the growing friendships that I fear are dying off. I knew from the beginning that this decision was very selfish, but I made it because I thought that I would be able to find a job with flexible hours and go back to school, a decision that would change my future and make it happy! Of coarse, I paid the price but it didn't quite work out to my liking (YET!) I am unemployed, broke, on a diet that I am not proud of and worst of all, not able to crossfit regularly. A price I'm hoping will be well worth it soon.

Because I have rambled on and on and I know that the point is well received I ask you to evaluate where you are in your life right now.

Are you walking a thin line of happiness and doubt? Are you making decisions in the moment for temporary satisfaction or are you willing to suffer some for a brighter future? How uncomfortable are you willing to be? What have you given up?

What is your price?

I recommend spending some quiet time meditating and or with God to find the answers and to evaluate...


Was it worth it? Will it be?

CFCM Testimonial 10/2009

This week while going through my things I stumbled upon the testimonial that I wrote 3 months after starting CrossFit... this is what I had to say:







When I was asked to write a testimonial for CFCM I was super excited because of all the progress I’ve made in only 3 short months. As I started to gather together measurements, weight and workout times I realized that those are only numbers and to a lot of people, and not impressive of motivating to someone who has never met me. I know that some people feel that way because I was there once.
So beyond just the weight and inches that I have lost, I have gained so much more. In crossfit I have found a community of people that genuinely care about me and my well being. Happy, healthy, positive, inspiring, motivating people that daily hold me accountable and push me beyond what I ever thought I was capable of doing. I have learned that I am the only person holding myself back and that I have the power to change my life and the direction that I am headed.
All of these things I have known but am just now starting to realize and believe in.
I can now believe in myself and that is an awesome feeling.
This isn’t something that I magically learned when I stepped into the gym, this is something that I am still learning and battling with daily. But I learn a little more, believe in myself a little more, live a little more with each completed workout, with a new PR, when I break down in a workout and don’t know if I can finish or pull through, when I decide to not count a rep because I KNOW I didn’t have full range on it. I have learned perseverance in the face of everything in me wanting to give up; I have fine tuned my self control and integrity.
All of the knowledge that I have gained since starting is priceless and life changing.
To me CFCM is about so much more than getting physically fit and having good workout times, its about growing as an individual, challenging myself and becoming part of a healthy community.

10/2009

Moving Forward...

A couple of weeks ago I posted that my dad had gotten back in contact with me and I was struggling to make a decision, below is my decision in the letter that I wrote to him. Thank you to everyone who gave me good, sound advise. It was not an easy decision to make but I believe whole heartily that it is the right one.



Dear Daddy,

I got your friend request on facebook a while ago along with your message and your question “are you still not talking to me?” That question coupled with the apparent fact that you need some clarification has prompted me to write to you. I’m fairly scatter brained but want to make sure that my point gets across, so I apologize if I run on about something.

Let me start with making it clear that I do love you and I miss the daddy that I had in my happy memories. When I made the decision almost 3 years ago to not talk to you anymore it wasn’t an easy decision but one that I thought was the right one. Now that time has passed, I know for sure that it was the right decision and I do not regret it.

In a nut shell the reason that I made that decision was because I felt that your drug use had taken over your life and there was nothing left of my father, just an empty shell that the drugs had used up and left behind. You weren’t taking responsibility for your own life but instead placing the blame of your shambled life upon the shoulders of others. By that time I had watched you break Margarethe down and use her and treat her like NO woman ever deserves, I had watched you leave my little brother and sister with questions that they needed answers to and more confusion than any kid really needs. I tried looking over all of those things because you were my dad and I thought you could change. After you spent the week with me, that was my last straw. Honestly, I felt used and it hurt. I did everything I could for you in that week and in the end you left me to go visit one of your drug friends in San Diego and gave me less than $10 for all the food, gas, etc when you left. The money wasn’t the issue, you staying with me wasn’t the issue… you going back to something so toxic was. It was that day that I knew I had to be done with you.

Since you sent me the message trying to get in contact again I did some serious soul searching and spent some quiet time with God to determine what the right path was. I came to the conclusion that if we were going to start talking again that there would have to be some very clear boundaries in order for us to make it happen. In a perfect world I could explain to you what those boundaries are and how we could work with them. I can’t do that for a couple of reasons, one of them is I don’t trust myself enough to stick with those boundaries, I know that I trust people a little too easily and I let my guard down… the second issue is I don’t trust you to not take advantage of my boundaries being down and honestly I don’t think that you would work with any boundaries. I have changed so much in the last few years and I am in a place where I only want to surround myself with positive, loving, healthy people and you simply don’t fit the criteria. I can’t let you back in because your toxic and having you back around will only bring me back to a place that I have worked so hard to get past.

Please don’t think that this was an easy decision to make, because it was not. I thought about where I am currently in my life and asked myself if I wanted you back around for selfish reasons or if I could actually benefit from having you back around. I thought of the day that I get married and if I even wanted you to walk me down the aisle, I though of when I have kids and if I would want you around them. I thought of when I finish school if I wanted you there to celebrate, If I wanted you around on holidays or birthdays… Every single time that I put you into the equation, the stress and agony far outweighed the happiness and joy. I know that I have good, strong, positive male figures in my life in the place where were. I will always love you and cherish the happy memories of the man that you once were. You are my daddy and no one will ever be able to take that from you, I really do hope that you can try to understand why I cannot let you back in, I know I am better off and happier.

I will pass your phone number along to the kids like you asked me to. Please don’t make the same mistakes with them that you did with me, they both have a lot of anger, hurt and love for you. They have really blossomed into amazing young people and I know that you would be so proud of them.

Take care of yourself, I love you.

Battling Demons I thought I already delt with…

To continue to be honest about what I am dealing with and the twists and turns in my life…

For those that don’t know me, or haven’t heard this chapter in my life, let me start off with the back story before I dive head first into my current situation.

I no longer talk to my biological father, it was a choice I made a few years ago because it was for the best. Looking back when I was growing up I know that I was blissfully ignorant to what my father was doing to our family. He was on drugs my entire childhood and as far as I know still is, he cheated on my step mother several times and when it started to get bad he even hid drug paraphernalia in my younger brother and sisters belongings. My father was always more concerned with being our friend rather than a father. On the other hand let me say that I know that he loved me and my brother and sister, he just is a flawed human being that probably should have chosen to be selfish and not have kids rather than doing what he did to us. Eleven years ago my father was in an accident and broke his neck, he can still walk and thank god was not paralyzed. After that accident his drug use increased and became obvious to everyone. At that point I had moved in with my mother but still maintained contact and visited often. About four years ago my father and step mother had separated and my father was still dealing with settlement issues from breaking his neck, he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days since he needed to go into LA, I agreed. The condition was set that if he came to visit then he would have to be clean and he agreed.

During that week, he spent the entire time sleeping on the couch. He went out with me for my moms birthday one night and I believe that was all. I drove him to LA for his doctors appointments as well as to meet with the lawyer handling his case. One of the last nights he asked me to drop him off at the train station the next day so he could go into San Diego for the day… he didn’t tell me why. It ended up being that he wanted to go into San Diego to meet up with someone and fill up a duffle bag full of speed (I think) and then come back to my house before leaving for his home. I was absolutely appalled (and still am to this day) that this was even an option to consider, I agreed to take him to the train station but once I dropped him off I wouldn’t be picking him back up again. On the day that I dropped him off I decided that I was done, that I couldn’t have that kind of person in my life anymore. I managed to be ok with cutting him out of my life and knew it was for the best… I didn’t see him again for a little over 6 months. It was at my sisters high school graduation that I saw him again. I didn’t talk to him and avoided him the best I could. Thank goodness that my siblings understood 100% why I didn’t want to get involved with him again. On that night I had a conversation with my Aunt about him and told her that I didn’t want anything to do with him until he was clean, even if that meant never having a relationship with him again… I said that he needed to choose me or the drugs. He choose the drugs, and I have come to terms with that.

Recently, in the last month or so I have really been missing my dad, not my father… but my dad. I miss the good memories and the mad that he was. I have been reminiscing a lot but it has never crossed my mind that I would get back into contact with him… because he made his decision. Well, on Friday I got a face book message from my father, he has made some comments on things directly to me and is obviously trying to get me to talk with him again. Since I got the initial message I haven’t commented back on anything or accepted his friend request.

I have been really wrestling around with the decision on to start talking to him or not again. I don’t trust him enough to tell the truth on if he is clean or not, I don’t want him to ask me for any more money, I don’t have the energy to deal with him always being a victim and not taking any responsibility for anything that has gone wrong in his life, I don’t want to see him hurt my brother and sister any more than he already has. On the other hand, I really miss my dad… I miss the memories and the good times. I don’t know if a compromise will completely break down the wall that I have or if it will lower it enough for us both to have a relationship where its healthy. This is something that I really wasn’t prepared to deal with, or ready to make a decision on. I’m not really sure what to do, so I keep going over things in my mind… weighing the good and bad… and the bad always seems to outweigh the good but then I say, hes my dad and then I remind myself that the drugs have ruined any part of anything that I may remember.

I have my foster dad and my positive father figure in my life that I love dearly. I have other positive male influences in my life and really do think that I am doing great without him, but, as I stated before… hes my dad. So here I am a few days later weighing my options, terrified of making the wrong decision out of guilt or fear or any other negative decision… I’m in a place that is hard for me to deal with because I know I am so hard headed and stubborn.

I plan on thinking about things until Friday and then making a decision. Until then, if anyone out there has gone through something similar or has any suggestions on how to possibly deal with this, I’d appreciate it.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I decided to not write any blogs in the last few weeks because it became abundantly clear to me that I was very depressed and needed to take some time out for myself to get through the rough spot in my life. I know that it wasn’t fair to those that love me, but I know that it was something that needed to happen otherwise I would never have been strong enough to move on. Writing frequently about how sad I was doing did me absolutely no good at all. I was spending a lot of time saying and knowing that things would eventually get better but never actually believing it. Being positive became a daily battle and it really started to take its toll on not only on my friendships and family relationships but also one of the only daily strengths that I have in my life at the moment, my boyfriend. I found myself spiraling out of control, sleeping when I could, as much as I could, cutting myself off from people who love me, and crying for absolutely no reason. I knew that I needed to focus on myself and really believing that things would get better.
I find myself here, months later a much happier person that is no longer spiraling out of control. I still have rough days but things have definitely gotten 100% better. I have found a job as a trainer at a local womens only gym, I should be starting school next week, I have spent more time at CrossFit (still not nearly enough) I am taking the time to be the friend to those that need me, no matter how far away they are.
I have learned that saying something over and over and actually believing it are 2 very different things. I know that that I have an amazingly supportive man in my life that is everything and so much more than a dream come true, I know that it is ok to be vulnerable and sad, but not ok to wallow in depression. I value my friendships with the people around me so much! I know that the last few months have been by far the roughest that I have ever had to endure so far in my adult life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am strong enough to make it through because I have the love and support of all the wonderful people around me. There has been a tremendous amount of growth and self awareness that has happened in the last few months that its hard to really convey to readers.
2 weeks ago I celebrated my 1 year with CrossFit. I decided to spend it in the gym & not make a huge deal about it. One of my very good CrossFit friends Katie was there & she really cheered me on through my wod. It was perfectly quiet morning that I spent a lot of time reflecting and being happy with myself for staying committed to the lifestyle change that is healthy. Great day!
Another interesting thing happened to me, there were a lot of days that I hung onto working out because it focused my mind and that was my way of proving to myself that I was a strong capable person. The interesting thing that happened was that concept sort of flipped… meaning, last week I was in the gym doing about round 4 of 7 on ring dips epically frustrated with my declined strength and wanting to give up and I’m sure frustrating the new trainer… my inner voice wasn’t negative like usual… it was supportive… It was saying that I was strong enough to live my life, losing my cats, my best friend of 10 years ending our friendship, finding a job, going back to school, growing in my relationship, being there for a friend that was going through some things… etc… I knew that I was a strong person and that the physical part of it was just lacking because I was spiraling… but at that point last week I knew I was done spiraling and was holding on for dear life clawing out of the hole… it was strange to me how in the beginning of all of this mess I was finding strength in my wod’s to get through life and on that day I was finding strength in my life to get through the wod. Strange, but an awesome awareness.
My goal in starting this blog was to be open and honest with the readers in hopes that people can see that even though bad things in life that with a good support system, good people, God, Faith and discipline that you learn in the gym completing wods that anyone, anywhere can prevail in life. I believe that I am living, breathing proof of this. I want to inspire people to push through rough spots and to know that its ok to be real with the people around you, hiding behind a happy face and playing nice is NOT the way to go through life… you are never alone. I believe that everyone always has someone. If you are involved in CrossFit then you have the community, if you have neighbors, you have them, if you have family, you have them, coworkers, the people at the grocery store… you are never ever alone and you never know who will be willing to listen and may even be surprised where you will find a hand reaching out to help you all you have to do is pick your head up a little, look for it, realize your worth it and then accept the help.

Collapsing in the Living Room

Today's at home wod:
--- 4 rounds ---
45 sec - jump rope
15 sec - static hold squat
45 sec - burpees
15 sec - plank hold
45 sec - sit ups
15 sec - V hold

The initial goal was to do double unders, but I had to shorten my rope and figured out that now it doesn't turn like it should, so I ended up doing singles, I plan on properly shortening my rope later today so that I can complete double unders and continue to get better at them.

It took me 2 days to recover enough from the wod on Saturday to be able to do another one today. Sunday and yesterday my legs were so torn up I couldn't even sit on the toilet without wincing in pain. What a wonderful feeling.

Saturday and today I discovered the meaning behind a pain that I first felt in my first few weeks of crossfit, for me its a sharp stabbing feeling in my gut, it hurts to breathe more than ever and my muscles get fatigued so much faster than they use to. The meaning (I am pretty sure for me) behind that pain is my body trying to break down the shit that I have been in taking lately and use it for fuel to get through the work out.
"if I knew then what I know now"
When I first started crossfit I didn't associate that pain with food, and once I started to change my diet, I never looked back. The last few days of eating processed things like bread, cheese, pasta, canned veggies etc...
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the food that I do have, but there is now new light shined on why I prefer to eat the way that I do. I know that I can get through the work out with what I have, and for now... that is the plan.

Special thanks to Tommy for helping me come up with the wod Saturday and the one that I did today!!

I miss collapsing with fellow crossfitters and sharing at the end of the wod what was the roughest part to get through... but I am happy that I am not quitting on myself and working out regularly.

All by myself...

Today I surprised myself. I decided instead of moaping around because I couldn't afford to make the drive to Costa Mesa that I would do a work out at home. This was my wod:

AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) in 10 minutes
5 push ups
10 squats
50 meter sprint

I completed 10 rounds.

We live at the top of this little hill so 1/2 of that was up hill... no bueno... that's all I have to say about that. It was fun though, and I am keeping up with the image of the neighbors thinking I am insane. One neighbor stopped to ask if I was ok because I was screaming during the sprints then dropped to do pushups straight up into squats...Another neighbor stopped washing her car to watch me do this... I made a lot of noise because I knew it was only 10 minutes and I HAD to push myself. My goal was 7 rounds, and I am very happy and proud of myself for exceeding my expectations.

I think that keeping up on wods and completing them alone might be my next venture and test of mental fortitude. I know that I love crossfit and I know that I don't have the means to get into the gym right now, I know that excuses will only stunt my progress and training, so the obvious decision is to train alone to the best of my ability.

From today on I will be working out a minimum of 4 days a week, looking on the main site for wods that I can do and open to suggestions and support from fellow crossfitters on wods.

I know that I cannot continue down the path that I am of not working out consistently, I know that I am in control of my day to day life, so I will accept this new challenge with wide open arms knowing that it might be painful, but I am worth it.

Know Pain - Know Gain

Since the day that I saw that saying in the gym it has stuck with me, I even have it in my work out journal so I can be reminded of it every time I start to complain a little. That saying really wakes something up deep down inside of me, I think it teases my inner beast a little bit... it makes me want to really experience the pain, it makes me want to get through it and come out the other end a stronger person. I know that when I first saw it I immediately applied it to the wods and my personal success in the gym, at that point I knew what it was to hurt, what that "pain" felt like and I also knew that it would subside and I knew first hand that the "gain" was worth every moment of being uncomfortable.

In the last few months this saying has really taken on a new meaning for me, it has morphed from something that I used in the gym to something that I use in my daily life. The "pain" that I experience in my daily life is uncomfortable and stressful to say the least. There is one thing that I hold onto everyday to get me through, and that is my faith. I have this undying faith and belief that I will make it through this rough spot. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and God only gives you what you can handle and I have learned that I can handle A LOT. I have also looked within and discovered a great deal about myself and my values.

When things started to go down hill for me in November, every new little hill I thought was worse than the last... I really didn't think that things couldn't get worse. Here is my snowball in a nutshell...
first my ex roommate decides to run up a $600 electricity bill and doesn't want to pay me, electricity gets turned off... then we live without electricity and by candle light for about a month... then the roommate decides to leave... then I have to move into a friends living room putting everything I own into a 10x10 storage except for a dresser of clothes, some shoes, my movies and my 3 cats... then I find out that I will be loosing my job because they are closing down the campus that I worked at... then I have to find someone to take care of my animals until I can get back up onto my feet... then I put the remainder of my things into storage with the exception of one suitcase and 2 pairs of shoes... then I am officially unemployed... I find a job and then loose it within a month... I find out my license is suspended because I have unpaid tickets that I never got in the mail... now, present day I have $20 to my name that is about to go into my gas tank, which makes me officially beyond broke. I have the phone company, the storage facility, and a few other places calling me looking for money that I don't have. The worst for me is I have no idea when I will have the gas to be able to make the 45 minute drive to go to my gym and train with my community again.

A year ago I would have told you that there is no way that I would be able to live without my cats because they mean the world to me, I also would have said that I am too independent to be relying on anyone for help. I would have never thought that I would loose a 10 year friendship. I wouldn't have been ok with applying for a job to clean up after other people. I would have never in a million years expected to find myself in the situation that I am in today, right now.

Please, do not get me wrong, things are pretty stressful for me right now, but I dare not say that it could get worse... because I know that it can, and will. I think that everything happens for a reason and the good behind all of this is I have really discovered who my real friends are, and I think that I appreciate them so much more than I would have a year ago. I also know that when I work out its for ME not for a friend that I may be doing it with at the time, not for the person that showed it to me, not for any of my coaches, its for me and I know that 100% now. I now look at food in a whole new light, I appreciate the way I want to eat and am thankful when I am able to consume the things that I enjoy. I am so thankful every day for the things that I still do have and the things that I thought I couldn't ever live without, but I am. All of these things I see as small "gains" from the "pain" that I have been experiencing.

I know from working out that pain doesn't last... you might have the 2nd day sore REALLY bad, but it does subside, eventually.

I am so thankful for the time that I do get in the gym these days because working out at home, alone with just my inner demons screaming at me is difficult and hard. In fact I am pretty sure that my neighbors think that I am insane because I will scream to get through a wod in my living room the same that I do when in the gym, the only difference is when I am in the gym those negative voices are silenced by the encouraging yells of my fellow CrossFitters.

I really try to pay attention to what is going on in my head when I am trying to get through a workout and what I do with that is remember what I am feeling and what I am saying so when I get those same feelings of doubt and despair when looking for a job, worrying about how things are going to get paid, how gas is going to be put into my car or what I am going to eat I reflect on that 20 minutes (give or take depending on the wod :) when every fiber in my body was screaming at me to stop because it hurt and I didn't think that I could do one more rep, when I couldn't breathe, when my muscles were tightening and I still pushed through... that is what I think of... my infinite power to put mind over matter.

Because of the time that I have put into CrossFit because of the pain that I have experienced, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am growing in the middle of all of this mess, I know that the end gain will be far greater than anything I am able to imagine right now, I know that every moment is worth it, good or bad.

I believe that if I hold onto my faith and knowledge that my shoulders are broad and can handle more than I think they can, that every thing happens for a reason, that I will come out the other end of this, with good, solid people by my side, I will be a better, stronger person ready for the next obstacle that life decides to throw my way.

I've known & experienced pain and I WILL know greater gains.

Growing with my community, my friends

I have been reflecting a lot lately on where I have been and where I am going. Its been just about a year since I joined CrossFit Costa Mesa and the leaps and bounds that I have seen myself grow physically and mentally is absolutely astounding to me.

I have struggled from the beginning of my journey with focusing on myself and not comparing myself to others and how they are growing. This is particularly hard for me when in the gym and seeing other people hit new PR's and get awesome times.

Recently I went on my gyms home page and read up on the trainers that we have. In a short amount of time I realized that the people that I have surrounded myself with have incredible drive and focus. Most all of those trainers made significant changes in their lives after finding CrossFit, and within a year or so.

My struggle continues in focusing on myself and not others. I discovered CrossFit and began my journey on July 8th and became a part of CrossFit Costa Mesa on July 15th. I am almost at the year mark of discovering CrossFit and in comparison I feel like I don't have as much to show for it. That for me was a negative and hard thing to accept, so I decided to re-evaluate and change my thinking.

When I first started one of my coaches, Steve was talking with me and a friend after the work out and was telling us to take a negative thought and change it by slowing it down, speeding it up, giving it a mickey mouse voice, look at it from above, below, etc... just do something to change the emotion attached to it. So that is what I decided to do. I started with looking in my workout journal from when I started, day 1, and flipped through reading my notes on different PR's that I had achieved and different things that I was feeling in and after a wod. Suddenly, for me, I realized that I had achieved just as much as those around me that I am comparing myself with.

I am going to take my reflection back a little bit and widen it so that others can maybe get a glimpse of what is possible and some achievements that are inside and outside of the gym.

For me, my most notable achievement is the squat, all of the trainers that were there when I started can tell anyone that I couldn't squat properly to save my life, I am not saying that I am perfect now, but I know when my knees are bowing in and when I don't go deep enough. Once I started to get that basic movement down I was able to understand some of the more complex movements! When I started I had a lot of toxic friendships with people that influenced me in negative ways and didn't support me in my personal life or encourage me to reach high for goals, while delving deeper into the CrossFit community I learned what it was like to have healthy, caring people around me. In time all of those toxic people have fallen wayside and aren't missed. Early into finding CrossFit I was struggling to cut loose an ex that was horrible for me in every way imaginable, before a wod one day I got a call from a family member of his saying that he was going to kill himself unless I came, on that day I decided to go to the gym instead of running and playing into that game, I experienced my first "CrossFit Cry" that evening and he never actually killed himself. That night I learned the importance of putting myself first and not playing games of that nature. There was one evening that I received a call from my grandmother and she had decided (for whatever reason) that is was a good idea to vent to me about how she was getting a divorce, was a failure at being a wife and some other equally heavy family issues, I then went inside the gym with all of that on my mind and completed a wod. I learned that night the ability to try to successfully leave my personal issues at the door and to block them out when I have a hard thing to finish... It wasn't easy but I had someone there to push me through the end of the wod until I finished and collapsed in a strange puddle of sweat, tears and accomplishment for finishing a wod with all of that on my mind. I had a great job that I loved and subsequently lost due to the economy, EVERY TIME that I talk to someone in my community I am met with genuine concern about my situation and am offered amazing ideas to make my ends meet and getting back into the gym on a regular basis. Since finding CrossFit I have awakened a desire inside of myself to better myself and influence others around me in a positive way. I am enrolling back in school for sports medicine and massage therapy with the specific intent on using it in the gym to help CrossFitters recover faster. I never wanted to go back to school and further my education, I was happy in my daily grind/rut. In my childhood and teenage years into early adulthood I was never athletic and had zero desire to compete, I have a goal of one day being apart of a CrossFit competition and I know, without a doubt that CrossFit will be apart of my life until the day that I die. These are just a few of the things that have happened in LESS than a year of me finding CrossFit.

I know that I am not a trainer (yet) and that I am not certified (yet) but looking back on my life I know that I have just as much to show for all of my hard work as anyone else. I have made it through some incredible mental/emotional obstacles. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am headed down the right path and that I have a community of people that care and will encourage me through rough spots. I have grown so much and in finding CrossFit Costa Mesa and I have also gained a group of friends that I know are genuine, hard working fun people.

Its hard not to compare yourself to others, but just take a step back and look at your life and see where you were, where you are and where your headed... you might just surprise yourself! :)

Guilt & Depression

There are a lot of things in this big wide complex world that I feel that I can control for myself and then there are others that I know I cannot control. For instance, I cannot control the weather, when people I know decide to drop off the planet, trash pick up days or what kind of mood other people are in... I can however control how I react to things, where I am going to spend my time, who I choose to spend that time with, what I will eat and when I will go to bed at night. All of the things that I have control over are my choices, and that is a feeling that I think some people don't realize is there until the option of making some of those choices is gone or severely modified.

I lost my job, the one that I had wanted and needed so badly. I am back to looking for a job and trying to figure out how I am going to make my ends meet. I do not qualify for unemployment and I have $23.00 to my name. How in the world can someone live off of that?! The answer for me is one that most people (including myself) saw as unexpected and one that I am overwhelmingly grateful for. My boyfriend of not quite six months has taken on the responsibility of letting me stay with him, making sure not only is there gas in my car, but its also safe for me to drive and that
I am fed. If it wasn't for him I am sure that I would be living in some strange arrangement between my car and peoples couches, depending on scraps and left overs. So before I continue I want to make it very clear that in no way am I ungrateful or unappreciative for what he is doing for me.

We went to the grocery store yesterday because there are a few things that was needed in the house. Any person that has chosen to live a healthy life style knows that the store can be an awesome place to go to because that's where the fuel is. For me, yesterday, it was the opposite and I didn't realize it until we got there. For the very first time in my adult life, since I have been responsible for myself I felt like I had no control over what we were going to buy. I am sure that if I had said something that there would have been some compromise made, but I feel so terrible that I have to rely on someone else that I am just going with the flow and
trying to make the best of the situation. Because of the situation there is a very limited budgetthat I know he has to feed both of us, which is understandable and fair. When we got there we decided to spit up... he would go to get his drinks for work and I was going to the produce section to get bananas and carrots. When I walked into that section, I had to walk past the grapes,past the strawberries, blue berries, cantelope, peaches, tomatoes, bell peppers, etc... etc...
The way all of those things smelled when I walked past them was something that you would read about in a book, so sweet, so inviting, my mouth watered... here is where the guilt kicks in. I am not buying the food anymore,I know that my boyfriend doesn't like about 90% of the things that I prefer to eat. Even if I did ask if we could get some of those things the thought of asking gave me this overwhelming feeling of guilt again because I know that he'd get them for me but I know that things like that are more expensive, there is a limited budget and I make zero
contribution as of now. In the few minutes that I had been in the store I went from very happy to very upset. I try to have control over myself and feelings and I certainly didn't want to ruin the night so I carried on... well, anyone that knows me knows that I am very transparent with my emotions. There is never a question of how I am feeling, its so obvious, even when I try to hide it. So here I am in checkout literally on the verge of tears but internally talking to myself trying
to use it as motivation to continue to look for a source of income... didn't work so well.

As we drove home, this guilt that I felt from the combination of having to rely on someone else and not being able to fuel my body the way I know it needs to be somehow spiraled into this depression. At dinner I ate the last of the fresh food in the house and while I was eating it I realized that I have cut my eating back from 5 zoned out paleo friendly 12 block meals a day to 2 sometimes 3 meals of as healthy as I possibly can on average of 6 block not usually paleo friendly food. Wow... I feel like I'm letting my body down. Thats when I also realized that my intake probably has something to do with why I am so winded and fatigued so early in a workout (coupled with the infrequency of my attendance of course)

I literally feel guilty about eating, I did last night and I do again this morning. It is a strange and very uncomfortable feeling. Its not like I am starving myself, its just that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where all that processed garbage doesn't taste good and usually makes me sick, therefore I avoid eating it. As I sit at home and look in the fridge its very clear to me what my diet will be going back to in the very near future. There is microwaveable food, canned veggies and sandwich meat with white bread.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am today. Although I am rarely in the gym for wod's I still do some things at home alone and have kept myself on a pretty strict intake food wise. I feelthats the only reason why since my life has gone nut-so I have only gained 5 lbs and can still do pretty well in the gym when I'm able to go. This new direction that I see myself heading towards is not one that I particularly like or am looking forward to. My plan is to try and transform this
guilt into motivation to push harder and be even more proactive in finding an income so I can once again feel like I have some control over the fuel I intake.

I am so grateful for all of the things that I do have, for the support system and the wonderful people that I have surrounding me. I know that things could always get worse and it is up to me to make my life better. I need to make it very clear that all of the things that I have written are just how I feel at this point in time in the situation that I have found myself in. I think that it is ok to feel this way and am hoping that maybe someone might be able to learn from me. That
is why I blog and that is why I am honest. You never know what life is going to throw your way, the important thing is to do everything in your power to remain positive and productive, this uncomfortable time is just a drop in the bucket of life.

One More Rep

Thursday April 8, 2010
WOD
30-20-10
Row (calories)
Push Press 45#
Box Jump
Sit Ups

My time 19:12

This is a workout that a few months ago would have been no problem for me, but as life has consumed me I have found it increasingly hard to make it to the gym 5 days a week like I was before. Each day holds a new excuse which I justify in my mind as legitimate. I have been averaging going to work out only one time a week and because of this I have noticed a significant change in my work outs. It is hard to breathe it is harder to move fast, its just plain harder. But I know that I am worth even that one day a week right now, I know that as soon as I get my life back in order that I will be back in there aggressively attacking goals and killing them. For now though, I go when I can and suffer through the wod, inevitably finishing somewhere in the back of the pack, which I personally hate. When I saw this on the white board I knew that I would have a hard time with it, but I wasn't expecting to struggle with it like I did, thank you CrossFit. I had no plan of attack to begin with except to just get it done. So I strapped myself into the rower and started the longest 19 min of my week...
I wasn't really focused, stressed from my week and the pressures of still not having a job and coming straight from a bogus interview, I really didn't want to be there... but I found myself there, racing the clock and 5 other CrossFitters and I was more interested in how the people around me were doing, concerned that Lindsay was off the rower before I was, that Katie was moving on to 20 calories on the rower when I was still on 30 box jumps. In the middle of a workout this is a collosal waste of time, I know that and anyone that has worked out like we do knows that as well... Try to rationalize that to me in the middle of a wod, its just not going to happen. So here I was wasting time thinking about EVERYTHING else in my world except getting my reps done and then before I knew it I was the last one out on the floor and then I decided that I needed a strategy before I started crying from embarrassment/frustration and so forth... so all in a matter of seconds I decided to just get one, and then another one and only focus on that one movement that I had to do next. Anyone that has worked out in our gym has heard Steve, Alec, Chris and everyone else yell at each other "JUST GET ONE" Yesterday was the very first time that strategy really, really helped me finish the workout, that coupled with Lindsay in my ear yelling that I was doing great was more help than I think anyone really realized in that moment. So I finished, dead last and probably the worst time of the day for all the athletes that did that workout. Now before I was able to get upset with myself I reminded myself that I'm not in there like I use to be and gave myself credit for what I had done, trying not to let the negative thinking get to me.
When I woke up this morning with a laundry list of things that I need to accomplish for the day, I went back to the moment yesterday when I was ready to break down and give up and decided to just do one thing at a time today. It made it way less stressful and I didn't get it all done yet, but I have given myself credit for what I did do. While I am not going as often as I would like to I am still in the gym and completing wods and taking with me invaluable lessons that I am able to use and reflect upon in my daily life. I cannot wait until I am back up on my feet and able to be in there every day again. My point in sharing this with anyone reading is that things can get overwhelming, everyone knows that, life gets complicated, that doesn't mean that you should give up on yourself, YOU are worth taking the time to work things out and what I have learned is to just take it one thing at a time and surround yourself with good, quality people that care and you will make it through, eventually.

Even if its the longest 19 minutes of your life, you'll get through.

Single Movement Mind Fuck

Last week, when I went into the gym there was a list of ridiculious things on the board… things like 500 wall balls, 250 lunges, 500 double unders, amrap air squats, 350 tire flips and other equally shitty things. After we warmed up Chris explained to us that when we are working out, we all experience the overwhelming urge to stop moving because it hurts or we discourage ourselves or SOMETHING, for those of us that CrossFit… you know exactly when that moment is. The purpose of this wod was to train our minds that we can push through the physical pain, to remind us that our brain is the strongest muscle that we are training.

With all of that said, we all had a moment to decide what we were going to do. We have done things like this before and every time its been called something different. The first time I did it, the board said “pick your poison” I ended up running up and down the alley of our gym 60 times (100 meters each way) and I remember getting about 20 in and thinking what in the hell am I doing?!?! It ended with Chad running with me through the end, talking to me and distracting me from the pain, keeping me running. I hurt so bad the next day. The second time I did something like this it was a Saturday and Alec and Steve had decided that everyone needed to get on the fire breather board, I had missed the 2k fire breather row time by 9 seconds two weeks prior to this day and ended up very reluctantly sitting back on the rower with Alec reassuring me that I could do it. At the end of the 2k I ended up beating my prior time and making it on the board! My original time was 8:39, my second time was 8:22. I cannot even put into words how unbelievably excited I was, especially since when I sat on the rower I in no way believed that I would beat my previous time. Again, just like the last time I picked my own wod, it hurt bad. So here I am standing in the gym staring at the board, thinking of the 2 other times that I had chosen my own workout and wanted to kill myself half way through and then again the next day… my strategy was to pick something that I knew I could finish in the 40 min time cap but would still challenge me. I ended up debating between lunges and squats… after I had seen that everyone else was choosing lunges I decided that I wouldn’t be like everyone else and it couldn’t be that bad squatting for 40 minutes.

40 minutes of squatting… sounds easy… but it really was a single movement mind fuck. When I first started CrossFit, I hated squats because my knees would bow in, I couldn’t go low enough and it hurt… I have come a long way since then and evaluated in my head how many I though I could do in the time I had. I decided that 500 was a fair number and that’s was my goal. Chris said that I needed to get 600 and I thought to myself there is absolutely no way I am going to be able to do 600 squats… crazy trainer and his ridiculous expectations!!

So here goes nothing, 100 flew by and I was surprised on how easy it seemed to be. I knew I was doing full range of motion as well because I had the med ball. My strategy once I had started was to count 100 at a time because I know that in my head once I got to counting to myself 450 or so I would slow down. It is extremely important to me that every time that I enter the gym that I challenge and push myself, so slowing down as I approached my goal was not an option. While doing the work out I was watching everyone else finish up their lunges and double unders and tire flips and I was still squatting with about 15 minutes to go. It is so hard for me to continue the work when everyone else is done. Here is where the mind begins to turn negative on me, I had already done a ton of squats and I deserve a break… etc. Well, that’s why we crossfit together and have a trainer there, because those last 15 minutes all I got was encouragement to keep on going and that I was doing great. 500 squats came and went, then I hit 600 and was floored and surprised… there was still time on the clock, so I thought I’d see if I could get 700… done… so I just went as fast as my legs would let me go as Chris yelled 2 more minutes, 1 more minute… done! I ended up doing 741 full range air squats in 40 minutes. HOLY SHIT was my initial thought and then I realized how badly my legs hurt, I walked it out the best I could, rolled out and still ended up leaving the gym looking like someone had shoved a stick up my butt. Thursday and Friday were painful, but I felt good and I was proud of myself.

This wod and the 2 other times that I had chosen how I was going to punish my body is a perfect example on why I love CrossFit so much. I had a goal and an expectation for myself, I had the typical negative thinking and self doubt. I committed myself to completing something and was surrounded by people who understood what it takes and encouraged me through the pain and self doubt.

In the end, I surprised myself and learned that I am far more capable of anything that I originally thought. I know that surrounding myself in the CrossFit community is a huge part of my success in my daily life, people care about what is going on with me outside of the gym. It is the most amazing thing in the world to experience genuine people that care and you know will not judge you because when we are all in there together, each of us has been to that dark negative place and we all are there to help each other out and show each other what we are capable of.

I cannot say that I honestly really like any of the wods because very simply they hurt, but each one teaches me something and I take that for what it is, I know before I go in that it is going to hurt and it isn’t going to be easy, but I still go because I know that I am worth it. I am grateful for my CrossFit Costa Mesa family and the how far that I have come in less than a year with all of their help, support and push.

Single Movement Mind Fuck… thanks for that Chris… it was a good one!

The Mayonnaise Jar

I am not sure how many people have seen this, but I got it in an email and thought that it was worth sharing.



The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.

Beat Somebody

When you’re in the gym, doing the workouts that we do, you will hear someone yell at some point “BEAT SOMEBODY” and I am sure that it motivates everyone in a different way… to me, it makes me push harder, when every fiber in me is yelling, screaming, aching to stop what I am doing, I am able to look at the person next to me and try to move faster.

Now, we have some real animals at CrossFit Costa Mesa and I am working towards being one of them. When I’m working out next to one of these people and someone yells out “beat somebody” and all I have in my peripheral vision is Sarah, Erica, Joe, Chad, Bobbie, Frank the list goes on and on and I KNOW that they are going to beat me, that’s when its hard to shut down those inner voices that start whispering that there is no way that I am going to beat one of those people, hell, I can barley even pace them… it takes all of my strength to focus on what I am doing and finish the wod… and lately I’ve been finishing in the back of the pack.

This is when the excuses start to subsidize in my brain… “That’s a shitty time Chaz, wow, you could have done better.” “Did you really push yourself, really?” “Yeah, I should have slept more” “ I didn’t really eat enough today” And I can go on and on, again… but I am sure that everyone has a little bit of this going on for them self.

I started to think after Saturdays wod in which I finished at way later than I should have, how in the world am I going to beat somebody if I keep beating myself before I even set foot into the gym or if I am letting my negative thoughts get the best of me? I’m not… I know that I have it in me to be just as amazing as all of the athletes that I have chosen to surround myself with, if I would only give myself the chance to be and stop coming up with bullshit excuses on why I didn’t do as well as I probably should have.

Here are my excuses as of late, and I am going to post them in an effort to let them go out of my brain and recognize that they are big enough problems for me in this moment, but not big enough to hold me back from reaching my potential. I am going through a lot in my life right now as I am loosing my job in a month with no new job lined up, I have absolutely no savings to get me through and no idea what I am going to do if I can’t find a job asap, my best friend has graciously let me move into her living room with my cats, I do not eat enough, and I know that, and I blame it on stress… that last one is the biggest bullshit excuse that I let get to me every day… When I started CrossFit I had endless excuses but I didn’t really realize it because in all honesty I didn’t know what it took to head down the road that I wanted to. I cannot say that now, I know that I need to eat good nutritious whole food, sleep at least 8 hours and get good recovery time in. I cannot say that I am honestly doing any of those things 100% right now.

Now, with that said, there really is no wonder why I am finishing last and why I have such a negative attitude in my head. I am defeating myself before I even have the opportunity to compete with the people that I want to.

Wow.

Now, what am I going to do about it? I have been thinking about that since Saturday, and it’s a hard thing to own up to the fact that I am complaining about my results, but am the only reason that they are the way that they are. As I have said before, it’s my life, if I don’t like something then I better change it.

I plan on setting the alarm in my phone to go off every 3 hours so that I am eating when I am suppose to. I am NOT going to drink beer with my boyfriend 3 or 4 nights a week. I am going to sleep for at least 8 hours, even if it means not doing something that I would really like to. I am going to actively and aggressively peruse a new job and hold onto positive thoughts that the right job will surface in enough time for me to sustain my livelihood. I will move out of my friends living room. I will take care of myself in a way that I know I deserve and need to in order to achieve the things that I know that I want.
I am sharing these things with everyone because now its not just an internal battle of me lying and convincing myself of bullshit, its out there for the world, for everyone to ask me about if they’d like and to hold me accountable if they so choose. I think that having this out there will help me hold myself accountable because there is absolutely no reason to come up with excuses on why I’m not following through on any of this.

My friend Tommy, who got me into CrossFit is always telling me “the easy way is rarely the right way and the right way is rarely easy” I think that perfectly sums up my every day battle as of late. I know what the right way is, I know what the right thing is, I just want so badly for it to be easy, but it isn’t.

I will start doing what I know is right, I will STOP making excuses, I will beat somebody.

A little bit about more about me and how I came to find CrossFit.

In my 24 years of life I have lived through what most people can’t even begin to fathom. In a nut shell both of my biological parents were on drugs my entire childhood, I moved from city to city, I remember drug raids at our home, I was molested for 7 years and when I told my family I was called a liar, I was beaten, dug through trash with my family for food, I was involved with older men and drugs, I made poor decisions that landed me in foster care, that’s just some of the bad stuff… I am not sharing any of this to get pity or for people to feel sorry for me, its simply a part of my past and it’s a part of what makes me… me. I have also had some really good things happen that has made me who I am today, I have wonderful people in my life like my grandma, aunt, foster family, mentor and friends that I have had for more than 10 years, I have gotten the chance to travel a little and have some awesome memories with some good people.

About 2 years ago I met one of my very good friends that started to tell me that it was time to start living my life for me, and I thought that I was. What I didn’t understand is that all of my experiences up until meeting him were not always entirely for me and if it was, it was not a healthy situation. It was at that point that I believe I started to really pay attention to the decisions that I was making for myself and take charge of my life. I have never felt sorry for myself or gone looking for pity, I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and that you are only given what you can handle. I started to realize that it was a decision that I made daily to wake up each day, get dressed and come to work, to pay my bills, to choose to associate with the people that I did. When you start to open your eyes and look around and accept the fact that you are living your life is when the changes start to happen.

My friend was there to call me on my bullshit. If I wasn’t happy in a situation or didn’t like something… why not just change it? It’s my life. I know that it doesn’t seem that cut and dry to most people, but in reality, it is. Some decisions are harder than others, and some things you don’t want to deal with… so we procrastinate, but ultimately it’s your life and you are in control of it.

Around this same time I was about 185 lbs and 5’4’’ and didn’t see anything wrong with that. I was heavy, but refused to accept that fact or even do anything about it. Now there are a ton of reasons, I am sure why I found myself where I was…none of which I care to dive into at the moment. I never played sports when I was a kid and as I got older had no desire to be active. This same friend of mine told me about CrossFit and started sending me videos on youtube and endless links daily to try and get me to try it. I was absolutely adamant about not trying it. Well, when I went to go and visit this friend of mine I had no choice but to try CrossFit.

I will never ever forget my first week of CrossFit. From the moment that I walked into the gym, I was greeted by people and immediately felt the community. I had no idea what I was doing there and was scared out of my mind. The instructors did not judge me and were patient with me and very friendly. Never in my life had I been around people like that. My first work out… the trainer, Tom, showed me how to do squats and I did a bunch of them until I was comfortable, then I was told to walk it out and come back when I was ready for the rest of my workout. I rested for a few minutes and then said that I was ready… Well, Tom got a med ball and a stop watch and then told me that I would be doing 100 squats, for time. I remember thinking something along the lines of… For time?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?? I’m going to be here all damn night!!... Well, I did the 100 squats and I was not there all night, it took me about 30 minutes, there were a few that didn’t count because I didn’t go all the way down to the ball and so Tom yelled at me from across the gym and eventually I ended up kicking off my shoes so that I could see my toes pointed up. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end for me. I went back the next night and the following night and then when I flew back home the #1 priority that I had was to find a CrossFit close to home that had the same type of people.

I don’t think that I can put into words how sore that I was that first week. How much that I loved how I felt and didn’t quite understand what the attraction was to what I was doing, but I knew it was a good thing. I am sure that it is different for everyone, but for me it was amazing.

I now call CrossFit Costa Mesa my home gym. The first day before I went in I called and talked with Steve, I don’t remember the exact conversation but I know that he asked a lot of questions and listened to me ramble on for longer than I should have. He gave me directions to the gym and told me that Alec would be there because it was his night off. When I came into the gym with my best friend Jill I remember standing in the corner, the same scared feeling because I was in an unfamiliar place. Alec came bouncing up to us and immediately knew who we were because Steve had called ahead. Again I found myself around people that were very friendly and welcoming. I had decided that I just wanted to jump into a regular class and do the workout with everyone else, and Alec and Steve let Jill and I do that. Our first work out at CFCM was a 1000 meter row, 100 strikes with a hammer on the tire, 1000 meter row… My time was 38:13 and the only notes I have in my journal is that I wanted to die.

I have been at CFCM since July 15, 2009 and when I started my measurements on my waist was 32 inches - it is now 29 inches, my hips were 39 inches – they are now 37 inches, my butt was 41 inches – it is now 38 inches. I weighed about 180 lbs when I started CrossFit and I currently weigh 150.

Beyond the numbers and physical appearance I have also experienced what it is like to push myself beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. My mental strength is so much stronger than it was 6 months ago. Because of CrossFit I know that I can get through difficult situations and see my way to the other side because those difficult situations are kind of like an AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) work outs because as much as those SUCK, you know that its only for a little while. I have learned to take my time in the gym and apply it to every day decisions. Things like what I am going to eat, and what I am going to do, I have learned to put myself first and start doing things to make myself a happier, healthy person. Both of my trainers Alec and Steve are there to call me on my bullshit when I am not pushing myself hard, when I am not eating right, they are there to answer questions that I have and to laugh with me when I do something ridiculous. I am around positive, happy, encouraging people that genuinely care about one another. I have laughed, cried, puked and bled with my fellow CrossFitters and it is a bond that I cannot explain in words.

I never in a million years would have thought that I would have turned into the person that is trying to get everyone I know to try CrossFit or would miss out on a late night of drinking because I knew I had a Saturday morning wod (work out of the day) to do. CrossFit has changed my life for the better in less than a year, and I am so excited to see what it is going to continue to do for me and for the people that are willing to get outside of their comfort zone and push themselves. Its all worth it, your worth it, I promise.