A couple of weeks ago I posted that my dad had gotten back in contact with me and I was struggling to make a decision, below is my decision in the letter that I wrote to him. Thank you to everyone who gave me good, sound advise. It was not an easy decision to make but I believe whole heartily that it is the right one.
Dear Daddy,
I got your friend request on facebook a while ago along with your message and your question “are you still not talking to me?” That question coupled with the apparent fact that you need some clarification has prompted me to write to you. I’m fairly scatter brained but want to make sure that my point gets across, so I apologize if I run on about something.
Let me start with making it clear that I do love you and I miss the daddy that I had in my happy memories. When I made the decision almost 3 years ago to not talk to you anymore it wasn’t an easy decision but one that I thought was the right one. Now that time has passed, I know for sure that it was the right decision and I do not regret it.
In a nut shell the reason that I made that decision was because I felt that your drug use had taken over your life and there was nothing left of my father, just an empty shell that the drugs had used up and left behind. You weren’t taking responsibility for your own life but instead placing the blame of your shambled life upon the shoulders of others. By that time I had watched you break Margarethe down and use her and treat her like NO woman ever deserves, I had watched you leave my little brother and sister with questions that they needed answers to and more confusion than any kid really needs. I tried looking over all of those things because you were my dad and I thought you could change. After you spent the week with me, that was my last straw. Honestly, I felt used and it hurt. I did everything I could for you in that week and in the end you left me to go visit one of your drug friends in San Diego and gave me less than $10 for all the food, gas, etc when you left. The money wasn’t the issue, you staying with me wasn’t the issue… you going back to something so toxic was. It was that day that I knew I had to be done with you.
Since you sent me the message trying to get in contact again I did some serious soul searching and spent some quiet time with God to determine what the right path was. I came to the conclusion that if we were going to start talking again that there would have to be some very clear boundaries in order for us to make it happen. In a perfect world I could explain to you what those boundaries are and how we could work with them. I can’t do that for a couple of reasons, one of them is I don’t trust myself enough to stick with those boundaries, I know that I trust people a little too easily and I let my guard down… the second issue is I don’t trust you to not take advantage of my boundaries being down and honestly I don’t think that you would work with any boundaries. I have changed so much in the last few years and I am in a place where I only want to surround myself with positive, loving, healthy people and you simply don’t fit the criteria. I can’t let you back in because your toxic and having you back around will only bring me back to a place that I have worked so hard to get past.
Please don’t think that this was an easy decision to make, because it was not. I thought about where I am currently in my life and asked myself if I wanted you back around for selfish reasons or if I could actually benefit from having you back around. I thought of the day that I get married and if I even wanted you to walk me down the aisle, I though of when I have kids and if I would want you around them. I thought of when I finish school if I wanted you there to celebrate, If I wanted you around on holidays or birthdays… Every single time that I put you into the equation, the stress and agony far outweighed the happiness and joy. I know that I have good, strong, positive male figures in my life in the place where were. I will always love you and cherish the happy memories of the man that you once were. You are my daddy and no one will ever be able to take that from you, I really do hope that you can try to understand why I cannot let you back in, I know I am better off and happier.
I will pass your phone number along to the kids like you asked me to. Please don’t make the same mistakes with them that you did with me, they both have a lot of anger, hurt and love for you. They have really blossomed into amazing young people and I know that you would be so proud of them.
Take care of yourself, I love you.
