Battling Demons I thought I already delt with…

To continue to be honest about what I am dealing with and the twists and turns in my life…

For those that don’t know me, or haven’t heard this chapter in my life, let me start off with the back story before I dive head first into my current situation.

I no longer talk to my biological father, it was a choice I made a few years ago because it was for the best. Looking back when I was growing up I know that I was blissfully ignorant to what my father was doing to our family. He was on drugs my entire childhood and as far as I know still is, he cheated on my step mother several times and when it started to get bad he even hid drug paraphernalia in my younger brother and sisters belongings. My father was always more concerned with being our friend rather than a father. On the other hand let me say that I know that he loved me and my brother and sister, he just is a flawed human being that probably should have chosen to be selfish and not have kids rather than doing what he did to us. Eleven years ago my father was in an accident and broke his neck, he can still walk and thank god was not paralyzed. After that accident his drug use increased and became obvious to everyone. At that point I had moved in with my mother but still maintained contact and visited often. About four years ago my father and step mother had separated and my father was still dealing with settlement issues from breaking his neck, he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days since he needed to go into LA, I agreed. The condition was set that if he came to visit then he would have to be clean and he agreed.

During that week, he spent the entire time sleeping on the couch. He went out with me for my moms birthday one night and I believe that was all. I drove him to LA for his doctors appointments as well as to meet with the lawyer handling his case. One of the last nights he asked me to drop him off at the train station the next day so he could go into San Diego for the day… he didn’t tell me why. It ended up being that he wanted to go into San Diego to meet up with someone and fill up a duffle bag full of speed (I think) and then come back to my house before leaving for his home. I was absolutely appalled (and still am to this day) that this was even an option to consider, I agreed to take him to the train station but once I dropped him off I wouldn’t be picking him back up again. On the day that I dropped him off I decided that I was done, that I couldn’t have that kind of person in my life anymore. I managed to be ok with cutting him out of my life and knew it was for the best… I didn’t see him again for a little over 6 months. It was at my sisters high school graduation that I saw him again. I didn’t talk to him and avoided him the best I could. Thank goodness that my siblings understood 100% why I didn’t want to get involved with him again. On that night I had a conversation with my Aunt about him and told her that I didn’t want anything to do with him until he was clean, even if that meant never having a relationship with him again… I said that he needed to choose me or the drugs. He choose the drugs, and I have come to terms with that.

Recently, in the last month or so I have really been missing my dad, not my father… but my dad. I miss the good memories and the mad that he was. I have been reminiscing a lot but it has never crossed my mind that I would get back into contact with him… because he made his decision. Well, on Friday I got a face book message from my father, he has made some comments on things directly to me and is obviously trying to get me to talk with him again. Since I got the initial message I haven’t commented back on anything or accepted his friend request.

I have been really wrestling around with the decision on to start talking to him or not again. I don’t trust him enough to tell the truth on if he is clean or not, I don’t want him to ask me for any more money, I don’t have the energy to deal with him always being a victim and not taking any responsibility for anything that has gone wrong in his life, I don’t want to see him hurt my brother and sister any more than he already has. On the other hand, I really miss my dad… I miss the memories and the good times. I don’t know if a compromise will completely break down the wall that I have or if it will lower it enough for us both to have a relationship where its healthy. This is something that I really wasn’t prepared to deal with, or ready to make a decision on. I’m not really sure what to do, so I keep going over things in my mind… weighing the good and bad… and the bad always seems to outweigh the good but then I say, hes my dad and then I remind myself that the drugs have ruined any part of anything that I may remember.

I have my foster dad and my positive father figure in my life that I love dearly. I have other positive male influences in my life and really do think that I am doing great without him, but, as I stated before… hes my dad. So here I am a few days later weighing my options, terrified of making the wrong decision out of guilt or fear or any other negative decision… I’m in a place that is hard for me to deal with because I know I am so hard headed and stubborn.

I plan on thinking about things until Friday and then making a decision. Until then, if anyone out there has gone through something similar or has any suggestions on how to possibly deal with this, I’d appreciate it.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I decided to not write any blogs in the last few weeks because it became abundantly clear to me that I was very depressed and needed to take some time out for myself to get through the rough spot in my life. I know that it wasn’t fair to those that love me, but I know that it was something that needed to happen otherwise I would never have been strong enough to move on. Writing frequently about how sad I was doing did me absolutely no good at all. I was spending a lot of time saying and knowing that things would eventually get better but never actually believing it. Being positive became a daily battle and it really started to take its toll on not only on my friendships and family relationships but also one of the only daily strengths that I have in my life at the moment, my boyfriend. I found myself spiraling out of control, sleeping when I could, as much as I could, cutting myself off from people who love me, and crying for absolutely no reason. I knew that I needed to focus on myself and really believing that things would get better.
I find myself here, months later a much happier person that is no longer spiraling out of control. I still have rough days but things have definitely gotten 100% better. I have found a job as a trainer at a local womens only gym, I should be starting school next week, I have spent more time at CrossFit (still not nearly enough) I am taking the time to be the friend to those that need me, no matter how far away they are.
I have learned that saying something over and over and actually believing it are 2 very different things. I know that that I have an amazingly supportive man in my life that is everything and so much more than a dream come true, I know that it is ok to be vulnerable and sad, but not ok to wallow in depression. I value my friendships with the people around me so much! I know that the last few months have been by far the roughest that I have ever had to endure so far in my adult life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am strong enough to make it through because I have the love and support of all the wonderful people around me. There has been a tremendous amount of growth and self awareness that has happened in the last few months that its hard to really convey to readers.
2 weeks ago I celebrated my 1 year with CrossFit. I decided to spend it in the gym & not make a huge deal about it. One of my very good CrossFit friends Katie was there & she really cheered me on through my wod. It was perfectly quiet morning that I spent a lot of time reflecting and being happy with myself for staying committed to the lifestyle change that is healthy. Great day!
Another interesting thing happened to me, there were a lot of days that I hung onto working out because it focused my mind and that was my way of proving to myself that I was a strong capable person. The interesting thing that happened was that concept sort of flipped… meaning, last week I was in the gym doing about round 4 of 7 on ring dips epically frustrated with my declined strength and wanting to give up and I’m sure frustrating the new trainer… my inner voice wasn’t negative like usual… it was supportive… It was saying that I was strong enough to live my life, losing my cats, my best friend of 10 years ending our friendship, finding a job, going back to school, growing in my relationship, being there for a friend that was going through some things… etc… I knew that I was a strong person and that the physical part of it was just lacking because I was spiraling… but at that point last week I knew I was done spiraling and was holding on for dear life clawing out of the hole… it was strange to me how in the beginning of all of this mess I was finding strength in my wod’s to get through life and on that day I was finding strength in my life to get through the wod. Strange, but an awesome awareness.
My goal in starting this blog was to be open and honest with the readers in hopes that people can see that even though bad things in life that with a good support system, good people, God, Faith and discipline that you learn in the gym completing wods that anyone, anywhere can prevail in life. I believe that I am living, breathing proof of this. I want to inspire people to push through rough spots and to know that its ok to be real with the people around you, hiding behind a happy face and playing nice is NOT the way to go through life… you are never alone. I believe that everyone always has someone. If you are involved in CrossFit then you have the community, if you have neighbors, you have them, if you have family, you have them, coworkers, the people at the grocery store… you are never ever alone and you never know who will be willing to listen and may even be surprised where you will find a hand reaching out to help you all you have to do is pick your head up a little, look for it, realize your worth it and then accept the help.