The light at the end of the tunnel

I decided to not write any blogs in the last few weeks because it became abundantly clear to me that I was very depressed and needed to take some time out for myself to get through the rough spot in my life. I know that it wasn’t fair to those that love me, but I know that it was something that needed to happen otherwise I would never have been strong enough to move on. Writing frequently about how sad I was doing did me absolutely no good at all. I was spending a lot of time saying and knowing that things would eventually get better but never actually believing it. Being positive became a daily battle and it really started to take its toll on not only on my friendships and family relationships but also one of the only daily strengths that I have in my life at the moment, my boyfriend. I found myself spiraling out of control, sleeping when I could, as much as I could, cutting myself off from people who love me, and crying for absolutely no reason. I knew that I needed to focus on myself and really believing that things would get better.
I find myself here, months later a much happier person that is no longer spiraling out of control. I still have rough days but things have definitely gotten 100% better. I have found a job as a trainer at a local womens only gym, I should be starting school next week, I have spent more time at CrossFit (still not nearly enough) I am taking the time to be the friend to those that need me, no matter how far away they are.
I have learned that saying something over and over and actually believing it are 2 very different things. I know that that I have an amazingly supportive man in my life that is everything and so much more than a dream come true, I know that it is ok to be vulnerable and sad, but not ok to wallow in depression. I value my friendships with the people around me so much! I know that the last few months have been by far the roughest that I have ever had to endure so far in my adult life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am strong enough to make it through because I have the love and support of all the wonderful people around me. There has been a tremendous amount of growth and self awareness that has happened in the last few months that its hard to really convey to readers.
2 weeks ago I celebrated my 1 year with CrossFit. I decided to spend it in the gym & not make a huge deal about it. One of my very good CrossFit friends Katie was there & she really cheered me on through my wod. It was perfectly quiet morning that I spent a lot of time reflecting and being happy with myself for staying committed to the lifestyle change that is healthy. Great day!
Another interesting thing happened to me, there were a lot of days that I hung onto working out because it focused my mind and that was my way of proving to myself that I was a strong capable person. The interesting thing that happened was that concept sort of flipped… meaning, last week I was in the gym doing about round 4 of 7 on ring dips epically frustrated with my declined strength and wanting to give up and I’m sure frustrating the new trainer… my inner voice wasn’t negative like usual… it was supportive… It was saying that I was strong enough to live my life, losing my cats, my best friend of 10 years ending our friendship, finding a job, going back to school, growing in my relationship, being there for a friend that was going through some things… etc… I knew that I was a strong person and that the physical part of it was just lacking because I was spiraling… but at that point last week I knew I was done spiraling and was holding on for dear life clawing out of the hole… it was strange to me how in the beginning of all of this mess I was finding strength in my wod’s to get through life and on that day I was finding strength in my life to get through the wod. Strange, but an awesome awareness.
My goal in starting this blog was to be open and honest with the readers in hopes that people can see that even though bad things in life that with a good support system, good people, God, Faith and discipline that you learn in the gym completing wods that anyone, anywhere can prevail in life. I believe that I am living, breathing proof of this. I want to inspire people to push through rough spots and to know that its ok to be real with the people around you, hiding behind a happy face and playing nice is NOT the way to go through life… you are never alone. I believe that everyone always has someone. If you are involved in CrossFit then you have the community, if you have neighbors, you have them, if you have family, you have them, coworkers, the people at the grocery store… you are never ever alone and you never know who will be willing to listen and may even be surprised where you will find a hand reaching out to help you all you have to do is pick your head up a little, look for it, realize your worth it and then accept the help.