I was excited to move away and set roots with a man that at the time I had loved with my whole being. It’s hard to sit here and think of all the life that has happened in those five years and all the moments that I should have taken the time to share but never did. If I’m being honest with myself it’s because I didn’t realize how depressed that I was, what a deep dark hole that I allowed myself to fall into and how difficult it is to be so far away from everything and everyone I have ever known.
I can remember clear as day when I started this blog and why… the conversation I had with my coaches at the time and all of the things that I wanted to accomplish with my writings… to reiterate, I want to inspire people with my story, I want to be open, honest, vulnerable and not afraid because I have come through so much in my life and believe I am a better person because of it. So many times I see people let themselves become victims of their circumstances or not see their true potential, I always thought how sad that was, what’s worse is I had let myself become one of those people without even realizing it. The last five years I closed myself off and buried myself away, closed my book and stopped sharing… I couldn’t see all the good I was doing or the big things I was accomplishing for myself in my life. I have grown so much and am thankful to be sitting where I am with the insight that I now have and a better understanding of who I am and what makes me tick.
As I said before, so much life has happened in the five years since my last post… My father died and I had to deal with all the emotion from writing him off… I went to school and GRADUATED… I now have my AA in exercise science as well as 3 nationally recognized personal training certificates… I helped start and launch a workout program for the city of Oklahoma City… I have started and run my own personal training business… I am on the executive team for Leading Ladies Unlimited which I believe will change the world for the better… I finally put myself and my dreams first then chose to walk away from the man that I spent a little over 5 years with, loved whole heartedly, planned a future with and I have had to deal with all the raw emotion of that not working out the way I had pictured it in my head… I reconnected with a friends I thought I had lost… I am now living even further from home in Missouri with the man that has been my best friend since the moment I met him almost 8 years ago and we are now expecting our first child in less than 3 months.
So many opportunities to take a step back and share and reflect but I never did. Anyone that takes the time to honestly share and try help people knows all the emotional energy that goes into something like sharing your story… it’s difficult to find the words, to be honest, open and there were many times in the last years that I didn’t even recognize who was looking back at me in the mirror, the emptiness in my eyes scared me… I felt lost and alone, I wanted to reach out for help and still believed that in that state I could still help others but I could somehow never find the words or the right state of mind for much of anything.
There is a small amount of people in Oklahoma that got a glimpse of who I was, who I believe I am becoming again. A small amount of friends and family who stood by me through the whirlwind of emotion, heartache and confusion… the people that helped me remember the things that I love, what was important and helped me recognize the state I was in and where I needed to be again, helped me celebrate my victories, see how far I was coming and where I truly wanted to be. To those individuals whom need not be named because I know they know who they are, a million thank you’s will never be enough.
Slowly I have begun to dig myself out of the darkness and find the light again. I’d be lying if I said it was easy and I am 100% back to where I should be. Every day is different and some days are more difficult than others but with an ever clearing picture of what my future looks like and the feeling of the confidence I once possessed building back up inside of me, I can honestly say I am excited for what the future holds and what I will accomplish.
When I work with my clients, I always tell them to find their silver lining… find the positive, something to hold onto and be proud of, however small it may be. For me, my positive is reopening my book for people, moving forward and trying to inspire the people around me again. Writing more, taking more time for me and being honest about life and where I am in it, good, bad or otherwise.
I know that things can always be worse and there is someone out there that I wouldn’t trade situations with for all the money in the world, my problems are big in my world but small in the grand scheme of life. I still believe everything happens for a reason and it is all for the greater good. It’s past time to start regularly being positive about life again, start finding my silver linings and being the best person I can be so that I not only recognize who is looking at me in the mirror but be proud of that person as well.
It’s all so terrifyingly beautifully messy… but I know it will be worth it.
