I have spent a great deal of time in the last couple of weeks thinking about happiness. What it feels like, what people will do to try and achieve it, etc. It seems to me that all any person wants for another person is to be happy. I know that I have said many of my friends in situations that I didn’t necessarily agree with “As long as your happy, that’s all that matters” I have heard several people tell me the same thing. When you have conversations with people you haven’t seen in a long time, more often than not, they want to know if you are happy.
A couple of weeks ago while doing a particularly hard work out at home I started to think about the price of happiness. This really steamed from a very quiet place in my mind, a place that I sometimes find myself in the middle of working out, its when there are no negative or positive self talk or inner demons, when I have little to no stress and when I surrender myself to the wod… its when I am in this place that I find profound piece of mind and often a thought that lingers and stems into deep thought, meditation and some quiet time with God… its from that place that the thought of paying a price for happiness came from.
So I really got to thinking, what is my price for the happiness that I have in my life? What does it feel like? Is it contagious? Are the decisions that I am making every day in the best interest of my long term happiness, or does it just make me happy in that moment? Am I selfish? Do I think about my family and friends? My health? My future? Have I really surrounded myself with people that are truly happy themselves? People that are selfless, inspiring and encourage me to not only be happy in a moment but for a life time?
I will share with you the conclusions that I have come to as it pertains to my personal price of happiness. What does your happiness feel like? Mine is very distinct and almost always the same… I feel like there are butterflies trapped in a swelling balloon stuck somewhere between my heart and my belly… I feel like I can float away… usually my cheeks hurt because I’m smiling… if I were to look at it, it would be a very bright yellow, almost a shiny gold/silver… it really is the most amazing joyful feeling that I think any one person can have. I know that when I go to bed at night it’s the happiest that I have ever been and that feeling is still there when I wake up in the morning. I have, even if it is temporary or long term, achieved happiness in my life.
Is my happiness contagious? I believe that it is, and it is because I know that a great deal of my happiness comes from the love and support of my wonderful boyfriend. I know that his happiness directly affects mine and vise versa. When I walk up to the gym I get happy, when I walk in and there are happy people greeting me, then I get a little happier from them. I get happy when I am with certain people because they are always happy and its very hard to be negative around someone that is enjoying themselves! I think that happiness is absolutely contagious… to me at least. Maybe its just my personality, that I let others directly affect me… their happiness is mine. I believe that’s the way its suppose to be though, that everyone is suppose to be happy and if they aren’t then they can go into the world and “catch” it from someone else. That also goes for being angry but that is an entirely different discussion!
Have I considered my future and been selfish? This last year has been very profound for me, there are moments where I cry uncontrollably because I am overcome with sadness, I can easily say that this has been the happiest time in my life because of the love that I have found but it is also the saddest time because of everything that I have chosen to give up. I have been selfish and I have considered my future, and for that the price was very high. I chose to dive head first into a new relationship giving it my all because I've found myself happy. I will say that again... I CHOSE to dive head first into a new relationship because I was HAPPY. Its that simple. And because I made that decision, I have lost friends. One in particular that I had for almost 10 years. I miss her a lot, especially now around the holidays, but I saw the signs of loosing it and DECIDED that the possibility of some happy in my life would be worth it and also in the back of my mind I NEVER dreamed that I would loose her, but I did. Linked to loosing her, I also ended up loosing my cats. Now anyone that knows me will tell you that those 3 cats were my babies, I loved them so very much! I now have no pets and it hurts more than I can put into words, the only comfort that I take from the situation is that 1 of them is with the person that bottle fed her as a kitten and is so spoiled and the other 2 went to an amazing home with a wonderful woman that loves them very much, we exchange emails some times and she tells me that she is happy with them and that they seem happy... they're all in a happy, loving home... my sadness is worth their happiness. I know that I am being selfish for myself and my happiness and I have lost these things that I thought I could never, ever live without and its because I was thinking of my future. I know it may not seem like it, but I know that choosing to stay with happiness that I have found will blossom into something awesome in the future... and if it does not... then it was a very very high price.
Health... my favorite thing to eat is icecream... not so healthy for you. I also love sweets... again, not healthy. As these things temporarily make me happy in a moment, I have chosen to not eat these items DAILY as I was two years ago, but have them maybe once a month now. I have chosen to do this because I now know what all that shit does in your body, how it digests and how my body reacts. To me, having a new PR or being able to feel myself move faster makes me happy for longer than just a brief moment of eating a bowl of ice cream or candy. If you would have told me I wasn't going to eat ice cream daily a couple of years ago I would have told you that you had lost your mind! (Ask Alec) But now I rarely crave it because I love the feeling I get when working out more than the feeling I have after eating sweets.
Have I surrounded myself with people that are happy? If you are apart of any crossfit community then you know that the answer is undoubtedly yes. Although I am not in the gym regularly again, I still go to the mainsite page, CFCM page, drive time with Alec, read facebook and blog posts regularly. The few friends that I have that don't crossfit are all now positive, motivating, amazing people that are always happy and smiling... its awesome and contagious!
As far as my future goes... besides the obvious, I had made decisions to not peruse the same field that I was working in because I found myself not happy away from my old job and in a new environment doing the same things as before. I made a decision to try and go back to school and look for a job in a different field with flexible decisions... although I have discovered a lot about myself being home for about 6 months and I had many happy days, ultimately this decision has cost me the luxury of consistent income which in turn directly affected my healthy food choices and my ability to regularly crossfit and progress with my community as well as the growing friendships that I fear are dying off. I knew from the beginning that this decision was very selfish, but I made it because I thought that I would be able to find a job with flexible hours and go back to school, a decision that would change my future and make it happy! Of coarse, I paid the price but it didn't quite work out to my liking (YET!) I am unemployed, broke, on a diet that I am not proud of and worst of all, not able to crossfit regularly. A price I'm hoping will be well worth it soon.
Because I have rambled on and on and I know that the point is well received I ask you to evaluate where you are in your life right now.
Are you walking a thin line of happiness and doubt? Are you making decisions in the moment for temporary satisfaction or are you willing to suffer some for a brighter future? How uncomfortable are you willing to be? What have you given up?
What is your price?
I recommend spending some quiet time meditating and or with God to find the answers and to evaluate...
Was it worth it? Will it be?
