Guilt & Depression

There are a lot of things in this big wide complex world that I feel that I can control for myself and then there are others that I know I cannot control. For instance, I cannot control the weather, when people I know decide to drop off the planet, trash pick up days or what kind of mood other people are in... I can however control how I react to things, where I am going to spend my time, who I choose to spend that time with, what I will eat and when I will go to bed at night. All of the things that I have control over are my choices, and that is a feeling that I think some people don't realize is there until the option of making some of those choices is gone or severely modified.

I lost my job, the one that I had wanted and needed so badly. I am back to looking for a job and trying to figure out how I am going to make my ends meet. I do not qualify for unemployment and I have $23.00 to my name. How in the world can someone live off of that?! The answer for me is one that most people (including myself) saw as unexpected and one that I am overwhelmingly grateful for. My boyfriend of not quite six months has taken on the responsibility of letting me stay with him, making sure not only is there gas in my car, but its also safe for me to drive and that
I am fed. If it wasn't for him I am sure that I would be living in some strange arrangement between my car and peoples couches, depending on scraps and left overs. So before I continue I want to make it very clear that in no way am I ungrateful or unappreciative for what he is doing for me.

We went to the grocery store yesterday because there are a few things that was needed in the house. Any person that has chosen to live a healthy life style knows that the store can be an awesome place to go to because that's where the fuel is. For me, yesterday, it was the opposite and I didn't realize it until we got there. For the very first time in my adult life, since I have been responsible for myself I felt like I had no control over what we were going to buy. I am sure that if I had said something that there would have been some compromise made, but I feel so terrible that I have to rely on someone else that I am just going with the flow and
trying to make the best of the situation. Because of the situation there is a very limited budgetthat I know he has to feed both of us, which is understandable and fair. When we got there we decided to spit up... he would go to get his drinks for work and I was going to the produce section to get bananas and carrots. When I walked into that section, I had to walk past the grapes,past the strawberries, blue berries, cantelope, peaches, tomatoes, bell peppers, etc... etc...
The way all of those things smelled when I walked past them was something that you would read about in a book, so sweet, so inviting, my mouth watered... here is where the guilt kicks in. I am not buying the food anymore,I know that my boyfriend doesn't like about 90% of the things that I prefer to eat. Even if I did ask if we could get some of those things the thought of asking gave me this overwhelming feeling of guilt again because I know that he'd get them for me but I know that things like that are more expensive, there is a limited budget and I make zero
contribution as of now. In the few minutes that I had been in the store I went from very happy to very upset. I try to have control over myself and feelings and I certainly didn't want to ruin the night so I carried on... well, anyone that knows me knows that I am very transparent with my emotions. There is never a question of how I am feeling, its so obvious, even when I try to hide it. So here I am in checkout literally on the verge of tears but internally talking to myself trying
to use it as motivation to continue to look for a source of income... didn't work so well.

As we drove home, this guilt that I felt from the combination of having to rely on someone else and not being able to fuel my body the way I know it needs to be somehow spiraled into this depression. At dinner I ate the last of the fresh food in the house and while I was eating it I realized that I have cut my eating back from 5 zoned out paleo friendly 12 block meals a day to 2 sometimes 3 meals of as healthy as I possibly can on average of 6 block not usually paleo friendly food. Wow... I feel like I'm letting my body down. Thats when I also realized that my intake probably has something to do with why I am so winded and fatigued so early in a workout (coupled with the infrequency of my attendance of course)

I literally feel guilty about eating, I did last night and I do again this morning. It is a strange and very uncomfortable feeling. Its not like I am starving myself, its just that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where all that processed garbage doesn't taste good and usually makes me sick, therefore I avoid eating it. As I sit at home and look in the fridge its very clear to me what my diet will be going back to in the very near future. There is microwaveable food, canned veggies and sandwich meat with white bread.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am today. Although I am rarely in the gym for wod's I still do some things at home alone and have kept myself on a pretty strict intake food wise. I feelthats the only reason why since my life has gone nut-so I have only gained 5 lbs and can still do pretty well in the gym when I'm able to go. This new direction that I see myself heading towards is not one that I particularly like or am looking forward to. My plan is to try and transform this
guilt into motivation to push harder and be even more proactive in finding an income so I can once again feel like I have some control over the fuel I intake.

I am so grateful for all of the things that I do have, for the support system and the wonderful people that I have surrounding me. I know that things could always get worse and it is up to me to make my life better. I need to make it very clear that all of the things that I have written are just how I feel at this point in time in the situation that I have found myself in. I think that it is ok to feel this way and am hoping that maybe someone might be able to learn from me. That
is why I blog and that is why I am honest. You never know what life is going to throw your way, the important thing is to do everything in your power to remain positive and productive, this uncomfortable time is just a drop in the bucket of life.