One More Rep

Thursday April 8, 2010
WOD
30-20-10
Row (calories)
Push Press 45#
Box Jump
Sit Ups

My time 19:12

This is a workout that a few months ago would have been no problem for me, but as life has consumed me I have found it increasingly hard to make it to the gym 5 days a week like I was before. Each day holds a new excuse which I justify in my mind as legitimate. I have been averaging going to work out only one time a week and because of this I have noticed a significant change in my work outs. It is hard to breathe it is harder to move fast, its just plain harder. But I know that I am worth even that one day a week right now, I know that as soon as I get my life back in order that I will be back in there aggressively attacking goals and killing them. For now though, I go when I can and suffer through the wod, inevitably finishing somewhere in the back of the pack, which I personally hate. When I saw this on the white board I knew that I would have a hard time with it, but I wasn't expecting to struggle with it like I did, thank you CrossFit. I had no plan of attack to begin with except to just get it done. So I strapped myself into the rower and started the longest 19 min of my week...
I wasn't really focused, stressed from my week and the pressures of still not having a job and coming straight from a bogus interview, I really didn't want to be there... but I found myself there, racing the clock and 5 other CrossFitters and I was more interested in how the people around me were doing, concerned that Lindsay was off the rower before I was, that Katie was moving on to 20 calories on the rower when I was still on 30 box jumps. In the middle of a workout this is a collosal waste of time, I know that and anyone that has worked out like we do knows that as well... Try to rationalize that to me in the middle of a wod, its just not going to happen. So here I was wasting time thinking about EVERYTHING else in my world except getting my reps done and then before I knew it I was the last one out on the floor and then I decided that I needed a strategy before I started crying from embarrassment/frustration and so forth... so all in a matter of seconds I decided to just get one, and then another one and only focus on that one movement that I had to do next. Anyone that has worked out in our gym has heard Steve, Alec, Chris and everyone else yell at each other "JUST GET ONE" Yesterday was the very first time that strategy really, really helped me finish the workout, that coupled with Lindsay in my ear yelling that I was doing great was more help than I think anyone really realized in that moment. So I finished, dead last and probably the worst time of the day for all the athletes that did that workout. Now before I was able to get upset with myself I reminded myself that I'm not in there like I use to be and gave myself credit for what I had done, trying not to let the negative thinking get to me.
When I woke up this morning with a laundry list of things that I need to accomplish for the day, I went back to the moment yesterday when I was ready to break down and give up and decided to just do one thing at a time today. It made it way less stressful and I didn't get it all done yet, but I have given myself credit for what I did do. While I am not going as often as I would like to I am still in the gym and completing wods and taking with me invaluable lessons that I am able to use and reflect upon in my daily life. I cannot wait until I am back up on my feet and able to be in there every day again. My point in sharing this with anyone reading is that things can get overwhelming, everyone knows that, life gets complicated, that doesn't mean that you should give up on yourself, YOU are worth taking the time to work things out and what I have learned is to just take it one thing at a time and surround yourself with good, quality people that care and you will make it through, eventually.

Even if its the longest 19 minutes of your life, you'll get through.

Single Movement Mind Fuck

Last week, when I went into the gym there was a list of ridiculious things on the board… things like 500 wall balls, 250 lunges, 500 double unders, amrap air squats, 350 tire flips and other equally shitty things. After we warmed up Chris explained to us that when we are working out, we all experience the overwhelming urge to stop moving because it hurts or we discourage ourselves or SOMETHING, for those of us that CrossFit… you know exactly when that moment is. The purpose of this wod was to train our minds that we can push through the physical pain, to remind us that our brain is the strongest muscle that we are training.

With all of that said, we all had a moment to decide what we were going to do. We have done things like this before and every time its been called something different. The first time I did it, the board said “pick your poison” I ended up running up and down the alley of our gym 60 times (100 meters each way) and I remember getting about 20 in and thinking what in the hell am I doing?!?! It ended with Chad running with me through the end, talking to me and distracting me from the pain, keeping me running. I hurt so bad the next day. The second time I did something like this it was a Saturday and Alec and Steve had decided that everyone needed to get on the fire breather board, I had missed the 2k fire breather row time by 9 seconds two weeks prior to this day and ended up very reluctantly sitting back on the rower with Alec reassuring me that I could do it. At the end of the 2k I ended up beating my prior time and making it on the board! My original time was 8:39, my second time was 8:22. I cannot even put into words how unbelievably excited I was, especially since when I sat on the rower I in no way believed that I would beat my previous time. Again, just like the last time I picked my own wod, it hurt bad. So here I am standing in the gym staring at the board, thinking of the 2 other times that I had chosen my own workout and wanted to kill myself half way through and then again the next day… my strategy was to pick something that I knew I could finish in the 40 min time cap but would still challenge me. I ended up debating between lunges and squats… after I had seen that everyone else was choosing lunges I decided that I wouldn’t be like everyone else and it couldn’t be that bad squatting for 40 minutes.

40 minutes of squatting… sounds easy… but it really was a single movement mind fuck. When I first started CrossFit, I hated squats because my knees would bow in, I couldn’t go low enough and it hurt… I have come a long way since then and evaluated in my head how many I though I could do in the time I had. I decided that 500 was a fair number and that’s was my goal. Chris said that I needed to get 600 and I thought to myself there is absolutely no way I am going to be able to do 600 squats… crazy trainer and his ridiculous expectations!!

So here goes nothing, 100 flew by and I was surprised on how easy it seemed to be. I knew I was doing full range of motion as well because I had the med ball. My strategy once I had started was to count 100 at a time because I know that in my head once I got to counting to myself 450 or so I would slow down. It is extremely important to me that every time that I enter the gym that I challenge and push myself, so slowing down as I approached my goal was not an option. While doing the work out I was watching everyone else finish up their lunges and double unders and tire flips and I was still squatting with about 15 minutes to go. It is so hard for me to continue the work when everyone else is done. Here is where the mind begins to turn negative on me, I had already done a ton of squats and I deserve a break… etc. Well, that’s why we crossfit together and have a trainer there, because those last 15 minutes all I got was encouragement to keep on going and that I was doing great. 500 squats came and went, then I hit 600 and was floored and surprised… there was still time on the clock, so I thought I’d see if I could get 700… done… so I just went as fast as my legs would let me go as Chris yelled 2 more minutes, 1 more minute… done! I ended up doing 741 full range air squats in 40 minutes. HOLY SHIT was my initial thought and then I realized how badly my legs hurt, I walked it out the best I could, rolled out and still ended up leaving the gym looking like someone had shoved a stick up my butt. Thursday and Friday were painful, but I felt good and I was proud of myself.

This wod and the 2 other times that I had chosen how I was going to punish my body is a perfect example on why I love CrossFit so much. I had a goal and an expectation for myself, I had the typical negative thinking and self doubt. I committed myself to completing something and was surrounded by people who understood what it takes and encouraged me through the pain and self doubt.

In the end, I surprised myself and learned that I am far more capable of anything that I originally thought. I know that surrounding myself in the CrossFit community is a huge part of my success in my daily life, people care about what is going on with me outside of the gym. It is the most amazing thing in the world to experience genuine people that care and you know will not judge you because when we are all in there together, each of us has been to that dark negative place and we all are there to help each other out and show each other what we are capable of.

I cannot say that I honestly really like any of the wods because very simply they hurt, but each one teaches me something and I take that for what it is, I know before I go in that it is going to hurt and it isn’t going to be easy, but I still go because I know that I am worth it. I am grateful for my CrossFit Costa Mesa family and the how far that I have come in less than a year with all of their help, support and push.

Single Movement Mind Fuck… thanks for that Chris… it was a good one!

The Mayonnaise Jar

I am not sure how many people have seen this, but I got it in an email and thought that it was worth sharing.



The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.

Beat Somebody

When you’re in the gym, doing the workouts that we do, you will hear someone yell at some point “BEAT SOMEBODY” and I am sure that it motivates everyone in a different way… to me, it makes me push harder, when every fiber in me is yelling, screaming, aching to stop what I am doing, I am able to look at the person next to me and try to move faster.

Now, we have some real animals at CrossFit Costa Mesa and I am working towards being one of them. When I’m working out next to one of these people and someone yells out “beat somebody” and all I have in my peripheral vision is Sarah, Erica, Joe, Chad, Bobbie, Frank the list goes on and on and I KNOW that they are going to beat me, that’s when its hard to shut down those inner voices that start whispering that there is no way that I am going to beat one of those people, hell, I can barley even pace them… it takes all of my strength to focus on what I am doing and finish the wod… and lately I’ve been finishing in the back of the pack.

This is when the excuses start to subsidize in my brain… “That’s a shitty time Chaz, wow, you could have done better.” “Did you really push yourself, really?” “Yeah, I should have slept more” “ I didn’t really eat enough today” And I can go on and on, again… but I am sure that everyone has a little bit of this going on for them self.

I started to think after Saturdays wod in which I finished at way later than I should have, how in the world am I going to beat somebody if I keep beating myself before I even set foot into the gym or if I am letting my negative thoughts get the best of me? I’m not… I know that I have it in me to be just as amazing as all of the athletes that I have chosen to surround myself with, if I would only give myself the chance to be and stop coming up with bullshit excuses on why I didn’t do as well as I probably should have.

Here are my excuses as of late, and I am going to post them in an effort to let them go out of my brain and recognize that they are big enough problems for me in this moment, but not big enough to hold me back from reaching my potential. I am going through a lot in my life right now as I am loosing my job in a month with no new job lined up, I have absolutely no savings to get me through and no idea what I am going to do if I can’t find a job asap, my best friend has graciously let me move into her living room with my cats, I do not eat enough, and I know that, and I blame it on stress… that last one is the biggest bullshit excuse that I let get to me every day… When I started CrossFit I had endless excuses but I didn’t really realize it because in all honesty I didn’t know what it took to head down the road that I wanted to. I cannot say that now, I know that I need to eat good nutritious whole food, sleep at least 8 hours and get good recovery time in. I cannot say that I am honestly doing any of those things 100% right now.

Now, with that said, there really is no wonder why I am finishing last and why I have such a negative attitude in my head. I am defeating myself before I even have the opportunity to compete with the people that I want to.

Wow.

Now, what am I going to do about it? I have been thinking about that since Saturday, and it’s a hard thing to own up to the fact that I am complaining about my results, but am the only reason that they are the way that they are. As I have said before, it’s my life, if I don’t like something then I better change it.

I plan on setting the alarm in my phone to go off every 3 hours so that I am eating when I am suppose to. I am NOT going to drink beer with my boyfriend 3 or 4 nights a week. I am going to sleep for at least 8 hours, even if it means not doing something that I would really like to. I am going to actively and aggressively peruse a new job and hold onto positive thoughts that the right job will surface in enough time for me to sustain my livelihood. I will move out of my friends living room. I will take care of myself in a way that I know I deserve and need to in order to achieve the things that I know that I want.
I am sharing these things with everyone because now its not just an internal battle of me lying and convincing myself of bullshit, its out there for the world, for everyone to ask me about if they’d like and to hold me accountable if they so choose. I think that having this out there will help me hold myself accountable because there is absolutely no reason to come up with excuses on why I’m not following through on any of this.

My friend Tommy, who got me into CrossFit is always telling me “the easy way is rarely the right way and the right way is rarely easy” I think that perfectly sums up my every day battle as of late. I know what the right way is, I know what the right thing is, I just want so badly for it to be easy, but it isn’t.

I will start doing what I know is right, I will STOP making excuses, I will beat somebody.

A little bit about more about me and how I came to find CrossFit.

In my 24 years of life I have lived through what most people can’t even begin to fathom. In a nut shell both of my biological parents were on drugs my entire childhood, I moved from city to city, I remember drug raids at our home, I was molested for 7 years and when I told my family I was called a liar, I was beaten, dug through trash with my family for food, I was involved with older men and drugs, I made poor decisions that landed me in foster care, that’s just some of the bad stuff… I am not sharing any of this to get pity or for people to feel sorry for me, its simply a part of my past and it’s a part of what makes me… me. I have also had some really good things happen that has made me who I am today, I have wonderful people in my life like my grandma, aunt, foster family, mentor and friends that I have had for more than 10 years, I have gotten the chance to travel a little and have some awesome memories with some good people.

About 2 years ago I met one of my very good friends that started to tell me that it was time to start living my life for me, and I thought that I was. What I didn’t understand is that all of my experiences up until meeting him were not always entirely for me and if it was, it was not a healthy situation. It was at that point that I believe I started to really pay attention to the decisions that I was making for myself and take charge of my life. I have never felt sorry for myself or gone looking for pity, I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and that you are only given what you can handle. I started to realize that it was a decision that I made daily to wake up each day, get dressed and come to work, to pay my bills, to choose to associate with the people that I did. When you start to open your eyes and look around and accept the fact that you are living your life is when the changes start to happen.

My friend was there to call me on my bullshit. If I wasn’t happy in a situation or didn’t like something… why not just change it? It’s my life. I know that it doesn’t seem that cut and dry to most people, but in reality, it is. Some decisions are harder than others, and some things you don’t want to deal with… so we procrastinate, but ultimately it’s your life and you are in control of it.

Around this same time I was about 185 lbs and 5’4’’ and didn’t see anything wrong with that. I was heavy, but refused to accept that fact or even do anything about it. Now there are a ton of reasons, I am sure why I found myself where I was…none of which I care to dive into at the moment. I never played sports when I was a kid and as I got older had no desire to be active. This same friend of mine told me about CrossFit and started sending me videos on youtube and endless links daily to try and get me to try it. I was absolutely adamant about not trying it. Well, when I went to go and visit this friend of mine I had no choice but to try CrossFit.

I will never ever forget my first week of CrossFit. From the moment that I walked into the gym, I was greeted by people and immediately felt the community. I had no idea what I was doing there and was scared out of my mind. The instructors did not judge me and were patient with me and very friendly. Never in my life had I been around people like that. My first work out… the trainer, Tom, showed me how to do squats and I did a bunch of them until I was comfortable, then I was told to walk it out and come back when I was ready for the rest of my workout. I rested for a few minutes and then said that I was ready… Well, Tom got a med ball and a stop watch and then told me that I would be doing 100 squats, for time. I remember thinking something along the lines of… For time?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?? I’m going to be here all damn night!!... Well, I did the 100 squats and I was not there all night, it took me about 30 minutes, there were a few that didn’t count because I didn’t go all the way down to the ball and so Tom yelled at me from across the gym and eventually I ended up kicking off my shoes so that I could see my toes pointed up. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end for me. I went back the next night and the following night and then when I flew back home the #1 priority that I had was to find a CrossFit close to home that had the same type of people.

I don’t think that I can put into words how sore that I was that first week. How much that I loved how I felt and didn’t quite understand what the attraction was to what I was doing, but I knew it was a good thing. I am sure that it is different for everyone, but for me it was amazing.

I now call CrossFit Costa Mesa my home gym. The first day before I went in I called and talked with Steve, I don’t remember the exact conversation but I know that he asked a lot of questions and listened to me ramble on for longer than I should have. He gave me directions to the gym and told me that Alec would be there because it was his night off. When I came into the gym with my best friend Jill I remember standing in the corner, the same scared feeling because I was in an unfamiliar place. Alec came bouncing up to us and immediately knew who we were because Steve had called ahead. Again I found myself around people that were very friendly and welcoming. I had decided that I just wanted to jump into a regular class and do the workout with everyone else, and Alec and Steve let Jill and I do that. Our first work out at CFCM was a 1000 meter row, 100 strikes with a hammer on the tire, 1000 meter row… My time was 38:13 and the only notes I have in my journal is that I wanted to die.

I have been at CFCM since July 15, 2009 and when I started my measurements on my waist was 32 inches - it is now 29 inches, my hips were 39 inches – they are now 37 inches, my butt was 41 inches – it is now 38 inches. I weighed about 180 lbs when I started CrossFit and I currently weigh 150.

Beyond the numbers and physical appearance I have also experienced what it is like to push myself beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. My mental strength is so much stronger than it was 6 months ago. Because of CrossFit I know that I can get through difficult situations and see my way to the other side because those difficult situations are kind of like an AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) work outs because as much as those SUCK, you know that its only for a little while. I have learned to take my time in the gym and apply it to every day decisions. Things like what I am going to eat, and what I am going to do, I have learned to put myself first and start doing things to make myself a happier, healthy person. Both of my trainers Alec and Steve are there to call me on my bullshit when I am not pushing myself hard, when I am not eating right, they are there to answer questions that I have and to laugh with me when I do something ridiculous. I am around positive, happy, encouraging people that genuinely care about one another. I have laughed, cried, puked and bled with my fellow CrossFitters and it is a bond that I cannot explain in words.

I never in a million years would have thought that I would have turned into the person that is trying to get everyone I know to try CrossFit or would miss out on a late night of drinking because I knew I had a Saturday morning wod (work out of the day) to do. CrossFit has changed my life for the better in less than a year, and I am so excited to see what it is going to continue to do for me and for the people that are willing to get outside of their comfort zone and push themselves. Its all worth it, your worth it, I promise.