Battling Demons I thought I already delt with…

To continue to be honest about what I am dealing with and the twists and turns in my life…

For those that don’t know me, or haven’t heard this chapter in my life, let me start off with the back story before I dive head first into my current situation.

I no longer talk to my biological father, it was a choice I made a few years ago because it was for the best. Looking back when I was growing up I know that I was blissfully ignorant to what my father was doing to our family. He was on drugs my entire childhood and as far as I know still is, he cheated on my step mother several times and when it started to get bad he even hid drug paraphernalia in my younger brother and sisters belongings. My father was always more concerned with being our friend rather than a father. On the other hand let me say that I know that he loved me and my brother and sister, he just is a flawed human being that probably should have chosen to be selfish and not have kids rather than doing what he did to us. Eleven years ago my father was in an accident and broke his neck, he can still walk and thank god was not paralyzed. After that accident his drug use increased and became obvious to everyone. At that point I had moved in with my mother but still maintained contact and visited often. About four years ago my father and step mother had separated and my father was still dealing with settlement issues from breaking his neck, he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days since he needed to go into LA, I agreed. The condition was set that if he came to visit then he would have to be clean and he agreed.

During that week, he spent the entire time sleeping on the couch. He went out with me for my moms birthday one night and I believe that was all. I drove him to LA for his doctors appointments as well as to meet with the lawyer handling his case. One of the last nights he asked me to drop him off at the train station the next day so he could go into San Diego for the day… he didn’t tell me why. It ended up being that he wanted to go into San Diego to meet up with someone and fill up a duffle bag full of speed (I think) and then come back to my house before leaving for his home. I was absolutely appalled (and still am to this day) that this was even an option to consider, I agreed to take him to the train station but once I dropped him off I wouldn’t be picking him back up again. On the day that I dropped him off I decided that I was done, that I couldn’t have that kind of person in my life anymore. I managed to be ok with cutting him out of my life and knew it was for the best… I didn’t see him again for a little over 6 months. It was at my sisters high school graduation that I saw him again. I didn’t talk to him and avoided him the best I could. Thank goodness that my siblings understood 100% why I didn’t want to get involved with him again. On that night I had a conversation with my Aunt about him and told her that I didn’t want anything to do with him until he was clean, even if that meant never having a relationship with him again… I said that he needed to choose me or the drugs. He choose the drugs, and I have come to terms with that.

Recently, in the last month or so I have really been missing my dad, not my father… but my dad. I miss the good memories and the mad that he was. I have been reminiscing a lot but it has never crossed my mind that I would get back into contact with him… because he made his decision. Well, on Friday I got a face book message from my father, he has made some comments on things directly to me and is obviously trying to get me to talk with him again. Since I got the initial message I haven’t commented back on anything or accepted his friend request.

I have been really wrestling around with the decision on to start talking to him or not again. I don’t trust him enough to tell the truth on if he is clean or not, I don’t want him to ask me for any more money, I don’t have the energy to deal with him always being a victim and not taking any responsibility for anything that has gone wrong in his life, I don’t want to see him hurt my brother and sister any more than he already has. On the other hand, I really miss my dad… I miss the memories and the good times. I don’t know if a compromise will completely break down the wall that I have or if it will lower it enough for us both to have a relationship where its healthy. This is something that I really wasn’t prepared to deal with, or ready to make a decision on. I’m not really sure what to do, so I keep going over things in my mind… weighing the good and bad… and the bad always seems to outweigh the good but then I say, hes my dad and then I remind myself that the drugs have ruined any part of anything that I may remember.

I have my foster dad and my positive father figure in my life that I love dearly. I have other positive male influences in my life and really do think that I am doing great without him, but, as I stated before… hes my dad. So here I am a few days later weighing my options, terrified of making the wrong decision out of guilt or fear or any other negative decision… I’m in a place that is hard for me to deal with because I know I am so hard headed and stubborn.

I plan on thinking about things until Friday and then making a decision. Until then, if anyone out there has gone through something similar or has any suggestions on how to possibly deal with this, I’d appreciate it.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I decided to not write any blogs in the last few weeks because it became abundantly clear to me that I was very depressed and needed to take some time out for myself to get through the rough spot in my life. I know that it wasn’t fair to those that love me, but I know that it was something that needed to happen otherwise I would never have been strong enough to move on. Writing frequently about how sad I was doing did me absolutely no good at all. I was spending a lot of time saying and knowing that things would eventually get better but never actually believing it. Being positive became a daily battle and it really started to take its toll on not only on my friendships and family relationships but also one of the only daily strengths that I have in my life at the moment, my boyfriend. I found myself spiraling out of control, sleeping when I could, as much as I could, cutting myself off from people who love me, and crying for absolutely no reason. I knew that I needed to focus on myself and really believing that things would get better.
I find myself here, months later a much happier person that is no longer spiraling out of control. I still have rough days but things have definitely gotten 100% better. I have found a job as a trainer at a local womens only gym, I should be starting school next week, I have spent more time at CrossFit (still not nearly enough) I am taking the time to be the friend to those that need me, no matter how far away they are.
I have learned that saying something over and over and actually believing it are 2 very different things. I know that that I have an amazingly supportive man in my life that is everything and so much more than a dream come true, I know that it is ok to be vulnerable and sad, but not ok to wallow in depression. I value my friendships with the people around me so much! I know that the last few months have been by far the roughest that I have ever had to endure so far in my adult life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am strong enough to make it through because I have the love and support of all the wonderful people around me. There has been a tremendous amount of growth and self awareness that has happened in the last few months that its hard to really convey to readers.
2 weeks ago I celebrated my 1 year with CrossFit. I decided to spend it in the gym & not make a huge deal about it. One of my very good CrossFit friends Katie was there & she really cheered me on through my wod. It was perfectly quiet morning that I spent a lot of time reflecting and being happy with myself for staying committed to the lifestyle change that is healthy. Great day!
Another interesting thing happened to me, there were a lot of days that I hung onto working out because it focused my mind and that was my way of proving to myself that I was a strong capable person. The interesting thing that happened was that concept sort of flipped… meaning, last week I was in the gym doing about round 4 of 7 on ring dips epically frustrated with my declined strength and wanting to give up and I’m sure frustrating the new trainer… my inner voice wasn’t negative like usual… it was supportive… It was saying that I was strong enough to live my life, losing my cats, my best friend of 10 years ending our friendship, finding a job, going back to school, growing in my relationship, being there for a friend that was going through some things… etc… I knew that I was a strong person and that the physical part of it was just lacking because I was spiraling… but at that point last week I knew I was done spiraling and was holding on for dear life clawing out of the hole… it was strange to me how in the beginning of all of this mess I was finding strength in my wod’s to get through life and on that day I was finding strength in my life to get through the wod. Strange, but an awesome awareness.
My goal in starting this blog was to be open and honest with the readers in hopes that people can see that even though bad things in life that with a good support system, good people, God, Faith and discipline that you learn in the gym completing wods that anyone, anywhere can prevail in life. I believe that I am living, breathing proof of this. I want to inspire people to push through rough spots and to know that its ok to be real with the people around you, hiding behind a happy face and playing nice is NOT the way to go through life… you are never alone. I believe that everyone always has someone. If you are involved in CrossFit then you have the community, if you have neighbors, you have them, if you have family, you have them, coworkers, the people at the grocery store… you are never ever alone and you never know who will be willing to listen and may even be surprised where you will find a hand reaching out to help you all you have to do is pick your head up a little, look for it, realize your worth it and then accept the help.

Collapsing in the Living Room

Today's at home wod:
--- 4 rounds ---
45 sec - jump rope
15 sec - static hold squat
45 sec - burpees
15 sec - plank hold
45 sec - sit ups
15 sec - V hold

The initial goal was to do double unders, but I had to shorten my rope and figured out that now it doesn't turn like it should, so I ended up doing singles, I plan on properly shortening my rope later today so that I can complete double unders and continue to get better at them.

It took me 2 days to recover enough from the wod on Saturday to be able to do another one today. Sunday and yesterday my legs were so torn up I couldn't even sit on the toilet without wincing in pain. What a wonderful feeling.

Saturday and today I discovered the meaning behind a pain that I first felt in my first few weeks of crossfit, for me its a sharp stabbing feeling in my gut, it hurts to breathe more than ever and my muscles get fatigued so much faster than they use to. The meaning (I am pretty sure for me) behind that pain is my body trying to break down the shit that I have been in taking lately and use it for fuel to get through the work out.
"if I knew then what I know now"
When I first started crossfit I didn't associate that pain with food, and once I started to change my diet, I never looked back. The last few days of eating processed things like bread, cheese, pasta, canned veggies etc...
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the food that I do have, but there is now new light shined on why I prefer to eat the way that I do. I know that I can get through the work out with what I have, and for now... that is the plan.

Special thanks to Tommy for helping me come up with the wod Saturday and the one that I did today!!

I miss collapsing with fellow crossfitters and sharing at the end of the wod what was the roughest part to get through... but I am happy that I am not quitting on myself and working out regularly.

All by myself...

Today I surprised myself. I decided instead of moaping around because I couldn't afford to make the drive to Costa Mesa that I would do a work out at home. This was my wod:

AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) in 10 minutes
5 push ups
10 squats
50 meter sprint

I completed 10 rounds.

We live at the top of this little hill so 1/2 of that was up hill... no bueno... that's all I have to say about that. It was fun though, and I am keeping up with the image of the neighbors thinking I am insane. One neighbor stopped to ask if I was ok because I was screaming during the sprints then dropped to do pushups straight up into squats...Another neighbor stopped washing her car to watch me do this... I made a lot of noise because I knew it was only 10 minutes and I HAD to push myself. My goal was 7 rounds, and I am very happy and proud of myself for exceeding my expectations.

I think that keeping up on wods and completing them alone might be my next venture and test of mental fortitude. I know that I love crossfit and I know that I don't have the means to get into the gym right now, I know that excuses will only stunt my progress and training, so the obvious decision is to train alone to the best of my ability.

From today on I will be working out a minimum of 4 days a week, looking on the main site for wods that I can do and open to suggestions and support from fellow crossfitters on wods.

I know that I cannot continue down the path that I am of not working out consistently, I know that I am in control of my day to day life, so I will accept this new challenge with wide open arms knowing that it might be painful, but I am worth it.

Know Pain - Know Gain

Since the day that I saw that saying in the gym it has stuck with me, I even have it in my work out journal so I can be reminded of it every time I start to complain a little. That saying really wakes something up deep down inside of me, I think it teases my inner beast a little bit... it makes me want to really experience the pain, it makes me want to get through it and come out the other end a stronger person. I know that when I first saw it I immediately applied it to the wods and my personal success in the gym, at that point I knew what it was to hurt, what that "pain" felt like and I also knew that it would subside and I knew first hand that the "gain" was worth every moment of being uncomfortable.

In the last few months this saying has really taken on a new meaning for me, it has morphed from something that I used in the gym to something that I use in my daily life. The "pain" that I experience in my daily life is uncomfortable and stressful to say the least. There is one thing that I hold onto everyday to get me through, and that is my faith. I have this undying faith and belief that I will make it through this rough spot. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and God only gives you what you can handle and I have learned that I can handle A LOT. I have also looked within and discovered a great deal about myself and my values.

When things started to go down hill for me in November, every new little hill I thought was worse than the last... I really didn't think that things couldn't get worse. Here is my snowball in a nutshell...
first my ex roommate decides to run up a $600 electricity bill and doesn't want to pay me, electricity gets turned off... then we live without electricity and by candle light for about a month... then the roommate decides to leave... then I have to move into a friends living room putting everything I own into a 10x10 storage except for a dresser of clothes, some shoes, my movies and my 3 cats... then I find out that I will be loosing my job because they are closing down the campus that I worked at... then I have to find someone to take care of my animals until I can get back up onto my feet... then I put the remainder of my things into storage with the exception of one suitcase and 2 pairs of shoes... then I am officially unemployed... I find a job and then loose it within a month... I find out my license is suspended because I have unpaid tickets that I never got in the mail... now, present day I have $20 to my name that is about to go into my gas tank, which makes me officially beyond broke. I have the phone company, the storage facility, and a few other places calling me looking for money that I don't have. The worst for me is I have no idea when I will have the gas to be able to make the 45 minute drive to go to my gym and train with my community again.

A year ago I would have told you that there is no way that I would be able to live without my cats because they mean the world to me, I also would have said that I am too independent to be relying on anyone for help. I would have never thought that I would loose a 10 year friendship. I wouldn't have been ok with applying for a job to clean up after other people. I would have never in a million years expected to find myself in the situation that I am in today, right now.

Please, do not get me wrong, things are pretty stressful for me right now, but I dare not say that it could get worse... because I know that it can, and will. I think that everything happens for a reason and the good behind all of this is I have really discovered who my real friends are, and I think that I appreciate them so much more than I would have a year ago. I also know that when I work out its for ME not for a friend that I may be doing it with at the time, not for the person that showed it to me, not for any of my coaches, its for me and I know that 100% now. I now look at food in a whole new light, I appreciate the way I want to eat and am thankful when I am able to consume the things that I enjoy. I am so thankful every day for the things that I still do have and the things that I thought I couldn't ever live without, but I am. All of these things I see as small "gains" from the "pain" that I have been experiencing.

I know from working out that pain doesn't last... you might have the 2nd day sore REALLY bad, but it does subside, eventually.

I am so thankful for the time that I do get in the gym these days because working out at home, alone with just my inner demons screaming at me is difficult and hard. In fact I am pretty sure that my neighbors think that I am insane because I will scream to get through a wod in my living room the same that I do when in the gym, the only difference is when I am in the gym those negative voices are silenced by the encouraging yells of my fellow CrossFitters.

I really try to pay attention to what is going on in my head when I am trying to get through a workout and what I do with that is remember what I am feeling and what I am saying so when I get those same feelings of doubt and despair when looking for a job, worrying about how things are going to get paid, how gas is going to be put into my car or what I am going to eat I reflect on that 20 minutes (give or take depending on the wod :) when every fiber in my body was screaming at me to stop because it hurt and I didn't think that I could do one more rep, when I couldn't breathe, when my muscles were tightening and I still pushed through... that is what I think of... my infinite power to put mind over matter.

Because of the time that I have put into CrossFit because of the pain that I have experienced, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am growing in the middle of all of this mess, I know that the end gain will be far greater than anything I am able to imagine right now, I know that every moment is worth it, good or bad.

I believe that if I hold onto my faith and knowledge that my shoulders are broad and can handle more than I think they can, that every thing happens for a reason, that I will come out the other end of this, with good, solid people by my side, I will be a better, stronger person ready for the next obstacle that life decides to throw my way.

I've known & experienced pain and I WILL know greater gains.

Growing with my community, my friends

I have been reflecting a lot lately on where I have been and where I am going. Its been just about a year since I joined CrossFit Costa Mesa and the leaps and bounds that I have seen myself grow physically and mentally is absolutely astounding to me.

I have struggled from the beginning of my journey with focusing on myself and not comparing myself to others and how they are growing. This is particularly hard for me when in the gym and seeing other people hit new PR's and get awesome times.

Recently I went on my gyms home page and read up on the trainers that we have. In a short amount of time I realized that the people that I have surrounded myself with have incredible drive and focus. Most all of those trainers made significant changes in their lives after finding CrossFit, and within a year or so.

My struggle continues in focusing on myself and not others. I discovered CrossFit and began my journey on July 8th and became a part of CrossFit Costa Mesa on July 15th. I am almost at the year mark of discovering CrossFit and in comparison I feel like I don't have as much to show for it. That for me was a negative and hard thing to accept, so I decided to re-evaluate and change my thinking.

When I first started one of my coaches, Steve was talking with me and a friend after the work out and was telling us to take a negative thought and change it by slowing it down, speeding it up, giving it a mickey mouse voice, look at it from above, below, etc... just do something to change the emotion attached to it. So that is what I decided to do. I started with looking in my workout journal from when I started, day 1, and flipped through reading my notes on different PR's that I had achieved and different things that I was feeling in and after a wod. Suddenly, for me, I realized that I had achieved just as much as those around me that I am comparing myself with.

I am going to take my reflection back a little bit and widen it so that others can maybe get a glimpse of what is possible and some achievements that are inside and outside of the gym.

For me, my most notable achievement is the squat, all of the trainers that were there when I started can tell anyone that I couldn't squat properly to save my life, I am not saying that I am perfect now, but I know when my knees are bowing in and when I don't go deep enough. Once I started to get that basic movement down I was able to understand some of the more complex movements! When I started I had a lot of toxic friendships with people that influenced me in negative ways and didn't support me in my personal life or encourage me to reach high for goals, while delving deeper into the CrossFit community I learned what it was like to have healthy, caring people around me. In time all of those toxic people have fallen wayside and aren't missed. Early into finding CrossFit I was struggling to cut loose an ex that was horrible for me in every way imaginable, before a wod one day I got a call from a family member of his saying that he was going to kill himself unless I came, on that day I decided to go to the gym instead of running and playing into that game, I experienced my first "CrossFit Cry" that evening and he never actually killed himself. That night I learned the importance of putting myself first and not playing games of that nature. There was one evening that I received a call from my grandmother and she had decided (for whatever reason) that is was a good idea to vent to me about how she was getting a divorce, was a failure at being a wife and some other equally heavy family issues, I then went inside the gym with all of that on my mind and completed a wod. I learned that night the ability to try to successfully leave my personal issues at the door and to block them out when I have a hard thing to finish... It wasn't easy but I had someone there to push me through the end of the wod until I finished and collapsed in a strange puddle of sweat, tears and accomplishment for finishing a wod with all of that on my mind. I had a great job that I loved and subsequently lost due to the economy, EVERY TIME that I talk to someone in my community I am met with genuine concern about my situation and am offered amazing ideas to make my ends meet and getting back into the gym on a regular basis. Since finding CrossFit I have awakened a desire inside of myself to better myself and influence others around me in a positive way. I am enrolling back in school for sports medicine and massage therapy with the specific intent on using it in the gym to help CrossFitters recover faster. I never wanted to go back to school and further my education, I was happy in my daily grind/rut. In my childhood and teenage years into early adulthood I was never athletic and had zero desire to compete, I have a goal of one day being apart of a CrossFit competition and I know, without a doubt that CrossFit will be apart of my life until the day that I die. These are just a few of the things that have happened in LESS than a year of me finding CrossFit.

I know that I am not a trainer (yet) and that I am not certified (yet) but looking back on my life I know that I have just as much to show for all of my hard work as anyone else. I have made it through some incredible mental/emotional obstacles. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am headed down the right path and that I have a community of people that care and will encourage me through rough spots. I have grown so much and in finding CrossFit Costa Mesa and I have also gained a group of friends that I know are genuine, hard working fun people.

Its hard not to compare yourself to others, but just take a step back and look at your life and see where you were, where you are and where your headed... you might just surprise yourself! :)

Guilt & Depression

There are a lot of things in this big wide complex world that I feel that I can control for myself and then there are others that I know I cannot control. For instance, I cannot control the weather, when people I know decide to drop off the planet, trash pick up days or what kind of mood other people are in... I can however control how I react to things, where I am going to spend my time, who I choose to spend that time with, what I will eat and when I will go to bed at night. All of the things that I have control over are my choices, and that is a feeling that I think some people don't realize is there until the option of making some of those choices is gone or severely modified.

I lost my job, the one that I had wanted and needed so badly. I am back to looking for a job and trying to figure out how I am going to make my ends meet. I do not qualify for unemployment and I have $23.00 to my name. How in the world can someone live off of that?! The answer for me is one that most people (including myself) saw as unexpected and one that I am overwhelmingly grateful for. My boyfriend of not quite six months has taken on the responsibility of letting me stay with him, making sure not only is there gas in my car, but its also safe for me to drive and that
I am fed. If it wasn't for him I am sure that I would be living in some strange arrangement between my car and peoples couches, depending on scraps and left overs. So before I continue I want to make it very clear that in no way am I ungrateful or unappreciative for what he is doing for me.

We went to the grocery store yesterday because there are a few things that was needed in the house. Any person that has chosen to live a healthy life style knows that the store can be an awesome place to go to because that's where the fuel is. For me, yesterday, it was the opposite and I didn't realize it until we got there. For the very first time in my adult life, since I have been responsible for myself I felt like I had no control over what we were going to buy. I am sure that if I had said something that there would have been some compromise made, but I feel so terrible that I have to rely on someone else that I am just going with the flow and
trying to make the best of the situation. Because of the situation there is a very limited budgetthat I know he has to feed both of us, which is understandable and fair. When we got there we decided to spit up... he would go to get his drinks for work and I was going to the produce section to get bananas and carrots. When I walked into that section, I had to walk past the grapes,past the strawberries, blue berries, cantelope, peaches, tomatoes, bell peppers, etc... etc...
The way all of those things smelled when I walked past them was something that you would read about in a book, so sweet, so inviting, my mouth watered... here is where the guilt kicks in. I am not buying the food anymore,I know that my boyfriend doesn't like about 90% of the things that I prefer to eat. Even if I did ask if we could get some of those things the thought of asking gave me this overwhelming feeling of guilt again because I know that he'd get them for me but I know that things like that are more expensive, there is a limited budget and I make zero
contribution as of now. In the few minutes that I had been in the store I went from very happy to very upset. I try to have control over myself and feelings and I certainly didn't want to ruin the night so I carried on... well, anyone that knows me knows that I am very transparent with my emotions. There is never a question of how I am feeling, its so obvious, even when I try to hide it. So here I am in checkout literally on the verge of tears but internally talking to myself trying
to use it as motivation to continue to look for a source of income... didn't work so well.

As we drove home, this guilt that I felt from the combination of having to rely on someone else and not being able to fuel my body the way I know it needs to be somehow spiraled into this depression. At dinner I ate the last of the fresh food in the house and while I was eating it I realized that I have cut my eating back from 5 zoned out paleo friendly 12 block meals a day to 2 sometimes 3 meals of as healthy as I possibly can on average of 6 block not usually paleo friendly food. Wow... I feel like I'm letting my body down. Thats when I also realized that my intake probably has something to do with why I am so winded and fatigued so early in a workout (coupled with the infrequency of my attendance of course)

I literally feel guilty about eating, I did last night and I do again this morning. It is a strange and very uncomfortable feeling. Its not like I am starving myself, its just that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where all that processed garbage doesn't taste good and usually makes me sick, therefore I avoid eating it. As I sit at home and look in the fridge its very clear to me what my diet will be going back to in the very near future. There is microwaveable food, canned veggies and sandwich meat with white bread.

I have worked very hard to get to where I am today. Although I am rarely in the gym for wod's I still do some things at home alone and have kept myself on a pretty strict intake food wise. I feelthats the only reason why since my life has gone nut-so I have only gained 5 lbs and can still do pretty well in the gym when I'm able to go. This new direction that I see myself heading towards is not one that I particularly like or am looking forward to. My plan is to try and transform this
guilt into motivation to push harder and be even more proactive in finding an income so I can once again feel like I have some control over the fuel I intake.

I am so grateful for all of the things that I do have, for the support system and the wonderful people that I have surrounding me. I know that things could always get worse and it is up to me to make my life better. I need to make it very clear that all of the things that I have written are just how I feel at this point in time in the situation that I have found myself in. I think that it is ok to feel this way and am hoping that maybe someone might be able to learn from me. That
is why I blog and that is why I am honest. You never know what life is going to throw your way, the important thing is to do everything in your power to remain positive and productive, this uncomfortable time is just a drop in the bucket of life.