Silver Linings

On my last blog almost exactly 5 years ago I was moving from my home in sunny southern California to Oklahoma with my now ex-boyfriend. I told myself that I wouldn’t write another entry until something good happened in my life.

I was excited to move away and set roots with a man that at the time I had loved with my whole being. It’s hard to sit here and think of all the life that has happened in those five years and all the moments that I should have taken the time to share but never did. If I’m being honest with myself it’s because I didn’t realize how depressed that I was, what a deep dark hole that I allowed myself to fall into and how difficult it is to be so far away from everything and everyone I have ever known.

I can remember clear as day when I started this blog and why… the conversation I had with my coaches at the time and all of the things that I wanted to accomplish with my writings… to reiterate, I want to inspire people with my story, I want to be open, honest, vulnerable and not afraid because I have come through so much in my life and believe I am a better person because of it. So many times I see people let themselves become victims of their circumstances or not see their true potential, I always thought how sad that was, what’s worse is I had let myself become one of those people without even realizing it. The last five years I closed myself off and buried myself away, closed my book and stopped sharing… I couldn’t see all the good I was doing or the big things I was accomplishing for myself in my life. I have grown so much and am thankful to be sitting where I am with the insight that I now have and a better understanding of who I am and what makes me tick.

As I said before, so much life has happened in the five years since my last post… My father died and I had to deal with all the emotion from writing him off… I went to school and GRADUATED… I now have my AA in exercise science as well as 3 nationally recognized personal training certificates… I helped start and launch a workout program for the city of Oklahoma City… I have started and run my own personal training business… I am on the executive team for Leading Ladies Unlimited which I believe will change the world for the better… I finally put myself and my dreams first then chose to walk away from the man that I spent a little over 5 years with, loved whole heartedly, planned a future with and I have had to deal with all the raw emotion of that not working out the way I had pictured it in my head… I reconnected with a friends I thought I had lost… I am now living even further from home in Missouri with the man that has been my best friend since the moment I met him almost 8 years ago and we are now expecting our first child in less than 3 months. 

So many opportunities to take a step back and share and reflect but I never did. Anyone that takes the time to honestly share and try help people knows all the emotional energy that goes into something like sharing your story… it’s difficult to find the words, to be honest, open and there were many times in the last years that I didn’t even recognize who was looking back at me in the mirror, the emptiness in my eyes scared me… I felt lost and alone, I wanted to reach out for help and still believed that in that state I could still help others but I could somehow never find the words or the right state of mind for much of anything.

There is a small amount of people in Oklahoma that got a glimpse of who I was, who I believe I am becoming again. A small amount of friends and family who stood by me through the whirlwind of emotion, heartache and confusion… the people that helped me remember the things that I love, what was important and helped me recognize the state I was in and where I needed to be again, helped me celebrate my victories, see how far I was coming and where I truly wanted to be. To those individuals whom need not be named because I know they know who they are, a million thank you’s will never be enough.

Slowly I have begun to dig myself out of the darkness and find the light again. I’d be lying if I said it was easy and I am 100% back to where I should be. Every day is different and some days are more difficult than others but with an ever clearing picture of what my future looks like and the feeling of the confidence I once possessed building back up inside of me, I can honestly say I am excited for what the future holds and what I will accomplish.

When I work with my clients, I always tell them to find their silver lining… find the positive, something to hold onto and be proud of, however small it may be. For me, my positive is reopening my book for people, moving forward and trying to inspire the people around me again. Writing more, taking more time for me and being honest about life and where I am in it, good, bad or otherwise.

I know that things can always be worse and there is someone out there that I wouldn’t trade situations with for all the money in the world, my problems are big in my world but small in the grand scheme of life. I still believe everything happens for a reason and it is all for the greater good. It’s past time to start regularly being positive about life again, start finding my silver linings and being the best person I can be so that I not only recognize who is looking at me in the mirror but be proud of that person as well.

It’s all so terrifyingly beautifully messy… but I know it will be worth it.

New Chapter, Oklahoma bound!

There are a lot of things in life that I thought for a long time I couldn't live without...but I have been reminded that God has a plan and it isn't about my timing and what I think is best for myself... I believe in a higher power and have a whole lot of Faith.

We made the decision to move to Oklahoma and the days that have followed have been overwhelming. Many people do not understand why we would willingly leave California... please allow me to shed some light on the situation...
I have spent countless hours talking to God trying to figure my life out this last year, I cannot explain the overwhelming feeling of helplessness and swirling pitty for myself... I always “preached” to not be the victim and to be positive... in my crossfit coaches I learned that I had the power to change my world... attempting to figure out how all of that works together and having to be patient has not been easy.

I have changed my outlook on the events that have happened this last year... I thought that I was loosing everything that was important to me, but I believe that this experience has been an incredible opportunity to learn what is really important in life and I have been able to take a step back to look at my life, where it was headed and then make a decision to take a leap of Faith, trust God and go somewhere that I will have a better chance for the life I want for myself and future family.

I really feel like I am at the end of one chapter and starting another, I am scared and sad to be leaving behind so many that I love dearly, but I am excited for the chance to be closer to friends I have that way, my little brother, my boyfriends family and the seasons! I know it sounds silly but living in california there are not really any distinctive seasons, so I am very excited to be living somewhere that I will get to see nature change so dramatically!

This last week I have been combating sad feelings with reminding myself how blessed my California life has been, things as simple as going to the beach frequently, having a season passes to Disneyland, Hollywood at midnight, concerts, driving up and down the state to see mountains, ocean, desert, I have done several things here that many people save a LONG time to be able to do just once... I have also been to Alaska, Hawaii, Mexico, Vegas, Arizona, New York, even our Nations Capitol... I have the most amazing friends and family that anyone could ever wish for, I have been truly blessed for all that I have in my life.

It is going to be very hard to leave all of this behind, I tear up thinking about it... but I know that it is the right decision. Having to find the courage to put the majority of things in storage, pack up my car with necessities and then drive 19 hours to a place that I have never been before that I will now call home is a test of Faith to say the least...

We will be packing up and moving in 5 days, it is so surreal and still has not sunk in... I know it is coming FAST and I am doing everything I can to be prepared, I am very excited though.

I would like to take the time to thank one of my coaches, Alec for Drive Time and for his blog, if anyone is looking for some words to snap you out of dangerous, selfish, toxic thinking and give you some courage to take the steps to change your life for the better, pay attention to what he has to say. Here are the links to check it out:
http://www.TheCrossFitGamer.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/DriveTimeWit...

I think that it will be easier to write about everything and sort through my jumbled thoughts once I am on the other side of this, so instead of rambling on more, I will leave you with a couple quotes that really spoke to me.

“Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.” ~Henry David Thoreau

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” ~Carol Sobieski

The price of happiness

I have spent a great deal of time in the last couple of weeks thinking about happiness. What it feels like, what people will do to try and achieve it, etc. It seems to me that all any person wants for another person is to be happy. I know that I have said many of my friends in situations that I didn’t necessarily agree with “As long as your happy, that’s all that matters” I have heard several people tell me the same thing. When you have conversations with people you haven’t seen in a long time, more often than not, they want to know if you are happy.

A couple of weeks ago while doing a particularly hard work out at home I started to think about the price of happiness. This really steamed from a very quiet place in my mind, a place that I sometimes find myself in the middle of working out, its when there are no negative or positive self talk or inner demons, when I have little to no stress and when I surrender myself to the wod… its when I am in this place that I find profound piece of mind and often a thought that lingers and stems into deep thought, meditation and some quiet time with God… its from that place that the thought of paying a price for happiness came from.

So I really got to thinking, what is my price for the happiness that I have in my life? What does it feel like? Is it contagious? Are the decisions that I am making every day in the best interest of my long term happiness, or does it just make me happy in that moment? Am I selfish? Do I think about my family and friends? My health? My future? Have I really surrounded myself with people that are truly happy themselves? People that are selfless, inspiring and encourage me to not only be happy in a moment but for a life time?

I will share with you the conclusions that I have come to as it pertains to my personal price of happiness. What does your happiness feel like? Mine is very distinct and almost always the same… I feel like there are butterflies trapped in a swelling balloon stuck somewhere between my heart and my belly… I feel like I can float away… usually my cheeks hurt because I’m smiling… if I were to look at it, it would be a very bright yellow, almost a shiny gold/silver… it really is the most amazing joyful feeling that I think any one person can have. I know that when I go to bed at night it’s the happiest that I have ever been and that feeling is still there when I wake up in the morning. I have, even if it is temporary or long term, achieved happiness in my life.

Is my happiness contagious? I believe that it is, and it is because I know that a great deal of my happiness comes from the love and support of my wonderful boyfriend. I know that his happiness directly affects mine and vise versa. When I walk up to the gym I get happy, when I walk in and there are happy people greeting me, then I get a little happier from them. I get happy when I am with certain people because they are always happy and its very hard to be negative around someone that is enjoying themselves! I think that happiness is absolutely contagious… to me at least. Maybe its just my personality, that I let others directly affect me… their happiness is mine. I believe that’s the way its suppose to be though, that everyone is suppose to be happy and if they aren’t then they can go into the world and “catch” it from someone else. That also goes for being angry but that is an entirely different discussion!

Have I considered my future and been selfish? This last year has been very profound for me, there are moments where I cry uncontrollably because I am overcome with sadness, I can easily say that this has been the happiest time in my life because of the love that I have found but it is also the saddest time because of everything that I have chosen to give up. I have been selfish and I have considered my future, and for that the price was very high. I chose to dive head first into a new relationship giving it my all because I've found myself happy. I will say that again... I CHOSE to dive head first into a new relationship because I was HAPPY. Its that simple. And because I made that decision, I have lost friends. One in particular that I had for almost 10 years. I miss her a lot, especially now around the holidays, but I saw the signs of loosing it and DECIDED that the possibility of some happy in my life would be worth it and also in the back of my mind I NEVER dreamed that I would loose her, but I did. Linked to loosing her, I also ended up loosing my cats. Now anyone that knows me will tell you that those 3 cats were my babies, I loved them so very much! I now have no pets and it hurts more than I can put into words, the only comfort that I take from the situation is that 1 of them is with the person that bottle fed her as a kitten and is so spoiled and the other 2 went to an amazing home with a wonderful woman that loves them very much, we exchange emails some times and she tells me that she is happy with them and that they seem happy... they're all in a happy, loving home... my sadness is worth their happiness. I know that I am being selfish for myself and my happiness and I have lost these things that I thought I could never, ever live without and its because I was thinking of my future. I know it may not seem like it, but I know that choosing to stay with happiness that I have found will blossom into something awesome in the future... and if it does not... then it was a very very high price.

Health... my favorite thing to eat is icecream... not so healthy for you. I also love sweets... again, not healthy. As these things temporarily make me happy in a moment, I have chosen to not eat these items DAILY as I was two years ago, but have them maybe once a month now. I have chosen to do this because I now know what all that shit does in your body, how it digests and how my body reacts. To me, having a new PR or being able to feel myself move faster makes me happy for longer than just a brief moment of eating a bowl of ice cream or candy. If you would have told me I wasn't going to eat ice cream daily a couple of years ago I would have told you that you had lost your mind! (Ask Alec) But now I rarely crave it because I love the feeling I get when working out more than the feeling I have after eating sweets.
Have I surrounded myself with people that are happy? If you are apart of any crossfit community then you know that the answer is undoubtedly yes. Although I am not in the gym regularly again, I still go to the mainsite page, CFCM page, drive time with Alec, read facebook and blog posts regularly. The few friends that I have that don't crossfit are all now positive, motivating, amazing people that are always happy and smiling... its awesome and contagious!

As far as my future goes... besides the obvious, I had made decisions to not peruse the same field that I was working in because I found myself not happy away from my old job and in a new environment doing the same things as before. I made a decision to try and go back to school and look for a job in a different field with flexible decisions... although I have discovered a lot about myself being home for about 6 months and I had many happy days, ultimately this decision has cost me the luxury of consistent income which in turn directly affected my healthy food choices and my ability to regularly crossfit and progress with my community as well as the growing friendships that I fear are dying off. I knew from the beginning that this decision was very selfish, but I made it because I thought that I would be able to find a job with flexible hours and go back to school, a decision that would change my future and make it happy! Of coarse, I paid the price but it didn't quite work out to my liking (YET!) I am unemployed, broke, on a diet that I am not proud of and worst of all, not able to crossfit regularly. A price I'm hoping will be well worth it soon.

Because I have rambled on and on and I know that the point is well received I ask you to evaluate where you are in your life right now.

Are you walking a thin line of happiness and doubt? Are you making decisions in the moment for temporary satisfaction or are you willing to suffer some for a brighter future? How uncomfortable are you willing to be? What have you given up?

What is your price?

I recommend spending some quiet time meditating and or with God to find the answers and to evaluate...


Was it worth it? Will it be?

CFCM Testimonial 10/2009

This week while going through my things I stumbled upon the testimonial that I wrote 3 months after starting CrossFit... this is what I had to say:







When I was asked to write a testimonial for CFCM I was super excited because of all the progress I’ve made in only 3 short months. As I started to gather together measurements, weight and workout times I realized that those are only numbers and to a lot of people, and not impressive of motivating to someone who has never met me. I know that some people feel that way because I was there once.
So beyond just the weight and inches that I have lost, I have gained so much more. In crossfit I have found a community of people that genuinely care about me and my well being. Happy, healthy, positive, inspiring, motivating people that daily hold me accountable and push me beyond what I ever thought I was capable of doing. I have learned that I am the only person holding myself back and that I have the power to change my life and the direction that I am headed.
All of these things I have known but am just now starting to realize and believe in.
I can now believe in myself and that is an awesome feeling.
This isn’t something that I magically learned when I stepped into the gym, this is something that I am still learning and battling with daily. But I learn a little more, believe in myself a little more, live a little more with each completed workout, with a new PR, when I break down in a workout and don’t know if I can finish or pull through, when I decide to not count a rep because I KNOW I didn’t have full range on it. I have learned perseverance in the face of everything in me wanting to give up; I have fine tuned my self control and integrity.
All of the knowledge that I have gained since starting is priceless and life changing.
To me CFCM is about so much more than getting physically fit and having good workout times, its about growing as an individual, challenging myself and becoming part of a healthy community.

10/2009

Moving Forward...

A couple of weeks ago I posted that my dad had gotten back in contact with me and I was struggling to make a decision, below is my decision in the letter that I wrote to him. Thank you to everyone who gave me good, sound advise. It was not an easy decision to make but I believe whole heartily that it is the right one.



Dear Daddy,

I got your friend request on facebook a while ago along with your message and your question “are you still not talking to me?” That question coupled with the apparent fact that you need some clarification has prompted me to write to you. I’m fairly scatter brained but want to make sure that my point gets across, so I apologize if I run on about something.

Let me start with making it clear that I do love you and I miss the daddy that I had in my happy memories. When I made the decision almost 3 years ago to not talk to you anymore it wasn’t an easy decision but one that I thought was the right one. Now that time has passed, I know for sure that it was the right decision and I do not regret it.

In a nut shell the reason that I made that decision was because I felt that your drug use had taken over your life and there was nothing left of my father, just an empty shell that the drugs had used up and left behind. You weren’t taking responsibility for your own life but instead placing the blame of your shambled life upon the shoulders of others. By that time I had watched you break Margarethe down and use her and treat her like NO woman ever deserves, I had watched you leave my little brother and sister with questions that they needed answers to and more confusion than any kid really needs. I tried looking over all of those things because you were my dad and I thought you could change. After you spent the week with me, that was my last straw. Honestly, I felt used and it hurt. I did everything I could for you in that week and in the end you left me to go visit one of your drug friends in San Diego and gave me less than $10 for all the food, gas, etc when you left. The money wasn’t the issue, you staying with me wasn’t the issue… you going back to something so toxic was. It was that day that I knew I had to be done with you.

Since you sent me the message trying to get in contact again I did some serious soul searching and spent some quiet time with God to determine what the right path was. I came to the conclusion that if we were going to start talking again that there would have to be some very clear boundaries in order for us to make it happen. In a perfect world I could explain to you what those boundaries are and how we could work with them. I can’t do that for a couple of reasons, one of them is I don’t trust myself enough to stick with those boundaries, I know that I trust people a little too easily and I let my guard down… the second issue is I don’t trust you to not take advantage of my boundaries being down and honestly I don’t think that you would work with any boundaries. I have changed so much in the last few years and I am in a place where I only want to surround myself with positive, loving, healthy people and you simply don’t fit the criteria. I can’t let you back in because your toxic and having you back around will only bring me back to a place that I have worked so hard to get past.

Please don’t think that this was an easy decision to make, because it was not. I thought about where I am currently in my life and asked myself if I wanted you back around for selfish reasons or if I could actually benefit from having you back around. I thought of the day that I get married and if I even wanted you to walk me down the aisle, I though of when I have kids and if I would want you around them. I thought of when I finish school if I wanted you there to celebrate, If I wanted you around on holidays or birthdays… Every single time that I put you into the equation, the stress and agony far outweighed the happiness and joy. I know that I have good, strong, positive male figures in my life in the place where were. I will always love you and cherish the happy memories of the man that you once were. You are my daddy and no one will ever be able to take that from you, I really do hope that you can try to understand why I cannot let you back in, I know I am better off and happier.

I will pass your phone number along to the kids like you asked me to. Please don’t make the same mistakes with them that you did with me, they both have a lot of anger, hurt and love for you. They have really blossomed into amazing young people and I know that you would be so proud of them.

Take care of yourself, I love you.

Battling Demons I thought I already delt with…

To continue to be honest about what I am dealing with and the twists and turns in my life…

For those that don’t know me, or haven’t heard this chapter in my life, let me start off with the back story before I dive head first into my current situation.

I no longer talk to my biological father, it was a choice I made a few years ago because it was for the best. Looking back when I was growing up I know that I was blissfully ignorant to what my father was doing to our family. He was on drugs my entire childhood and as far as I know still is, he cheated on my step mother several times and when it started to get bad he even hid drug paraphernalia in my younger brother and sisters belongings. My father was always more concerned with being our friend rather than a father. On the other hand let me say that I know that he loved me and my brother and sister, he just is a flawed human being that probably should have chosen to be selfish and not have kids rather than doing what he did to us. Eleven years ago my father was in an accident and broke his neck, he can still walk and thank god was not paralyzed. After that accident his drug use increased and became obvious to everyone. At that point I had moved in with my mother but still maintained contact and visited often. About four years ago my father and step mother had separated and my father was still dealing with settlement issues from breaking his neck, he asked me if he could stay with me for a few days since he needed to go into LA, I agreed. The condition was set that if he came to visit then he would have to be clean and he agreed.

During that week, he spent the entire time sleeping on the couch. He went out with me for my moms birthday one night and I believe that was all. I drove him to LA for his doctors appointments as well as to meet with the lawyer handling his case. One of the last nights he asked me to drop him off at the train station the next day so he could go into San Diego for the day… he didn’t tell me why. It ended up being that he wanted to go into San Diego to meet up with someone and fill up a duffle bag full of speed (I think) and then come back to my house before leaving for his home. I was absolutely appalled (and still am to this day) that this was even an option to consider, I agreed to take him to the train station but once I dropped him off I wouldn’t be picking him back up again. On the day that I dropped him off I decided that I was done, that I couldn’t have that kind of person in my life anymore. I managed to be ok with cutting him out of my life and knew it was for the best… I didn’t see him again for a little over 6 months. It was at my sisters high school graduation that I saw him again. I didn’t talk to him and avoided him the best I could. Thank goodness that my siblings understood 100% why I didn’t want to get involved with him again. On that night I had a conversation with my Aunt about him and told her that I didn’t want anything to do with him until he was clean, even if that meant never having a relationship with him again… I said that he needed to choose me or the drugs. He choose the drugs, and I have come to terms with that.

Recently, in the last month or so I have really been missing my dad, not my father… but my dad. I miss the good memories and the mad that he was. I have been reminiscing a lot but it has never crossed my mind that I would get back into contact with him… because he made his decision. Well, on Friday I got a face book message from my father, he has made some comments on things directly to me and is obviously trying to get me to talk with him again. Since I got the initial message I haven’t commented back on anything or accepted his friend request.

I have been really wrestling around with the decision on to start talking to him or not again. I don’t trust him enough to tell the truth on if he is clean or not, I don’t want him to ask me for any more money, I don’t have the energy to deal with him always being a victim and not taking any responsibility for anything that has gone wrong in his life, I don’t want to see him hurt my brother and sister any more than he already has. On the other hand, I really miss my dad… I miss the memories and the good times. I don’t know if a compromise will completely break down the wall that I have or if it will lower it enough for us both to have a relationship where its healthy. This is something that I really wasn’t prepared to deal with, or ready to make a decision on. I’m not really sure what to do, so I keep going over things in my mind… weighing the good and bad… and the bad always seems to outweigh the good but then I say, hes my dad and then I remind myself that the drugs have ruined any part of anything that I may remember.

I have my foster dad and my positive father figure in my life that I love dearly. I have other positive male influences in my life and really do think that I am doing great without him, but, as I stated before… hes my dad. So here I am a few days later weighing my options, terrified of making the wrong decision out of guilt or fear or any other negative decision… I’m in a place that is hard for me to deal with because I know I am so hard headed and stubborn.

I plan on thinking about things until Friday and then making a decision. Until then, if anyone out there has gone through something similar or has any suggestions on how to possibly deal with this, I’d appreciate it.

The light at the end of the tunnel

I decided to not write any blogs in the last few weeks because it became abundantly clear to me that I was very depressed and needed to take some time out for myself to get through the rough spot in my life. I know that it wasn’t fair to those that love me, but I know that it was something that needed to happen otherwise I would never have been strong enough to move on. Writing frequently about how sad I was doing did me absolutely no good at all. I was spending a lot of time saying and knowing that things would eventually get better but never actually believing it. Being positive became a daily battle and it really started to take its toll on not only on my friendships and family relationships but also one of the only daily strengths that I have in my life at the moment, my boyfriend. I found myself spiraling out of control, sleeping when I could, as much as I could, cutting myself off from people who love me, and crying for absolutely no reason. I knew that I needed to focus on myself and really believing that things would get better.
I find myself here, months later a much happier person that is no longer spiraling out of control. I still have rough days but things have definitely gotten 100% better. I have found a job as a trainer at a local womens only gym, I should be starting school next week, I have spent more time at CrossFit (still not nearly enough) I am taking the time to be the friend to those that need me, no matter how far away they are.
I have learned that saying something over and over and actually believing it are 2 very different things. I know that that I have an amazingly supportive man in my life that is everything and so much more than a dream come true, I know that it is ok to be vulnerable and sad, but not ok to wallow in depression. I value my friendships with the people around me so much! I know that the last few months have been by far the roughest that I have ever had to endure so far in my adult life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am strong enough to make it through because I have the love and support of all the wonderful people around me. There has been a tremendous amount of growth and self awareness that has happened in the last few months that its hard to really convey to readers.
2 weeks ago I celebrated my 1 year with CrossFit. I decided to spend it in the gym & not make a huge deal about it. One of my very good CrossFit friends Katie was there & she really cheered me on through my wod. It was perfectly quiet morning that I spent a lot of time reflecting and being happy with myself for staying committed to the lifestyle change that is healthy. Great day!
Another interesting thing happened to me, there were a lot of days that I hung onto working out because it focused my mind and that was my way of proving to myself that I was a strong capable person. The interesting thing that happened was that concept sort of flipped… meaning, last week I was in the gym doing about round 4 of 7 on ring dips epically frustrated with my declined strength and wanting to give up and I’m sure frustrating the new trainer… my inner voice wasn’t negative like usual… it was supportive… It was saying that I was strong enough to live my life, losing my cats, my best friend of 10 years ending our friendship, finding a job, going back to school, growing in my relationship, being there for a friend that was going through some things… etc… I knew that I was a strong person and that the physical part of it was just lacking because I was spiraling… but at that point last week I knew I was done spiraling and was holding on for dear life clawing out of the hole… it was strange to me how in the beginning of all of this mess I was finding strength in my wod’s to get through life and on that day I was finding strength in my life to get through the wod. Strange, but an awesome awareness.
My goal in starting this blog was to be open and honest with the readers in hopes that people can see that even though bad things in life that with a good support system, good people, God, Faith and discipline that you learn in the gym completing wods that anyone, anywhere can prevail in life. I believe that I am living, breathing proof of this. I want to inspire people to push through rough spots and to know that its ok to be real with the people around you, hiding behind a happy face and playing nice is NOT the way to go through life… you are never alone. I believe that everyone always has someone. If you are involved in CrossFit then you have the community, if you have neighbors, you have them, if you have family, you have them, coworkers, the people at the grocery store… you are never ever alone and you never know who will be willing to listen and may even be surprised where you will find a hand reaching out to help you all you have to do is pick your head up a little, look for it, realize your worth it and then accept the help.